Here's your big chance to share the love. Phillip Coons needs your help to make Delusional Duck the successful multi-poster newsblog it wants to be.
Participation is incredibly easy. Just create an account and you've got posting power. The article entry form is clear and well laid out - just put the link, source, news blurb and your comments in the correct boxes and they come out the other side all Ducky. That is to say, formatted nicely in the Delusional Duck format.
Like Phil says, "If the article you post interests you, chances are it will interest our other readers as well."
Go for it!
The maximum acceptable number of children in a car is two. I have proof.
Burger (3): Where are we going?Lovely Wife: We're going home now.
Bacon (4): Are we there yet?
Me: Yeah, we're there. Hop on out.
Bacon: Are not! We're still driving!
Me: Why so we are!
Burger: Where are we going?
Lovely Wife: We're going home!
Bacon: I want to go home!
Me: We are going home!
Burger: Where are we going?
Me: We're going to Disney World.
Bear (5): Really?!?
Me: No. We're going home.
Bear: That bites.
One is the magic number, Clancy.
Tiffani wins first prize for the Bumper Sticker contest. She was the only entrant but she was the obvious winner right off the bat. Probably why nobody else bothered to challenge her. After all, how can you improve upon perfection?
Five points for Tiffani!
Clancy has revealed his news. He's married and pregnant! Luckily, so is GF. The big winner of the Guess Clancy's News contest was me. Hah! I rule!
I'd like to thank the Academy, my agent and all of the people who didn't guess as well as I did.
My points are a bit reduced though as Helen, Kathleen and Holly each extorted a point from me. What can I say? I'm helpless against the power of estrorage*.
That clears the docket for points posts at the moment but we'll get some more up soon. I've got a Shamming/Sharing in the works and an excellent photo for a caption contest.
* I've proven to be quite the coward in this regard so threats upon my life will continue to be paid off with my personal points until they are depleted.
March has two of my favorite holidays.
First is the male version of Valentine's Day. On March 14 we welcome with open arms and legs Steak and BJ Day! This is the wonderful day when the ladies can show their fellas how much they appreciate all of the time, effort and cashola that they expend for the give-your-gal-a-gift-days. And it is so easy! Just treat your fella to a nice steak and then fellate his stake. There's still time to get involved with Michele's fellatio haiku contest.
On March 15 we welcome Eat An Animal For PETA Day. This festive event pays reverse tribute to America's biggest homegrown terrorist group by consuming vast quantities of animalia. Fire up the barbie and eat an animal for PETA!
Next time you're on an elevator, instead of staring up at the floor level indicator, turn around and stare at the back of the elevator. This works better if there are other people on the elevator.
(This does have the inherent problem of you not knowing when you get to your floor but a clever elevatrix can turn that into an adventure in itself.)
"Separate but equal" applies to only two things in this world - earrings and breasts.
Be the first person to name the quotee and win 3 points!
Clancy put up a teaser post. A "got news, tell ya later" thingy.
I'm not patient enough. I want to know the news now. So, y'all go over there and take a guess at what the news is. The first commenter with the correct news wins 5 points. Anybody who makes coffee come out of my nose will also get points.
Sorry, Clancy. You're sort of excluded from this contest.
Contest is open until Clancy posts the big reveal.
Just to be clear - make your guesses at his place. It's more irritating that way. ;-)
I would comment further but I can't see the screen well through my tears.
(Hat tip to Randall)
THE "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" BLOGGER QUIZ
1. Who the hell do you think you are?
By day I am Jim Peacock, intemperate humorist and caller of attention to the myriad wonders of life. By night I am usually asleep.
2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
I'm a Quality Assurance Specialist. One way to look at this would to say I ensure that the software developed my company is error free and up to spec before it is released to our customers. Another way to look at it is that I have done my job well if I can reduce the hard work of my development counterparts to so much slagged code pudding on a semi-regular basis.
3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
I wrote jokes and "meaningful passages" in a whole shit-load of yearbooks back in high school.
4. Do you even read newspapers?
Newspapers? I thought those were just to get the burn barrel started.
5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
Hell, I don't even watch FOX News propaganda. The only television news I get are the advertisements for local newscasts. Stuff like "All of the water in Georgia condemned by the CDC. Tune in at 11."
6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
Yeah, but it's NPR that I listen to. A couple of times each week when I'm driving myself to work.
7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
How rude. Calling me a parrot. It's "Peacock", thank you very much.
8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
Mostly because they are so incredibly annoying. That and the old "a weapon unused is a useless weapon" argument.
9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
What does the one have to do with the other? There are millions of people right here in the States who are from other countries and lack a passport. If they don't need one then why should I?
10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
I've been to Canada and Mexico. Although the titty bars in Canada are much cleaner the hookers cost way more. Other than that they're pretty similar.
11. If your so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?
Actually, I tried. Bureaucratic inefficiency and incomprehensible discharge documents prevented me from re-enlisting.
12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?
Yeah, I do. I was a Navy Corpsman. I worked in Balboa Naval Hospital and treated quite a few downed sailors (including a SEAL who I wasn't allowed to talk to and I was not allowed to refer to the gaping holes in his back as shotgun wounds). For my Reserve duties we used to train at the VA hospital. Lots of horror there too.
I've never had any goo-faced friends but I admit to being a bit shallow in that regard.
13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
Just your sister.
14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
I'm a poppa, I'm a hubby, I'm a midnight libertarian. I take my music on the run.
So, Hunter S.Thomson is dead. Who, you may ask, was Hunter S.Thomson? No, of course you won't ask that as you and every other person in the free world, with the notable exception of yours truly, knows who the hell he was. Not only that but everybody also seems to either despise or adore him unconditionally.
Here's what I've been able to pick up from reading tribute posts:
- He was a poet
- He had some very meaningful works a long time ago
- He coined the term "gonzo journalism"
- He used a lot of drugs
- He had a hobby of introducing drugs to others
- He was a bitter and depressed man
- He killed himself
- He wrote a Johnny Depp movie*
My thoughts run something along these lines:
Hunter? Dude? Suicide? How freaking stereotypical!
Come on now! This isn't news. A depressed poet past his prime offs himself and people are acting shocked and amazed. Suicide and murder are the only ways that depressed poets past their prime leave this mortal coil. It's stipulated in their job contracts so the publishing companies can get residual sales.
That's not news. It's what lets obituary writers work ahead a bit.
You want news? Show me a poet that lives happily to a ripe old age and dies peacefully in bed. Now that's news.
* This item may be out of proper order.
Next time you make a big purchase - big screen TV, car, house, trailer full of radishes, etc - when you get to the end of the haggle phase put a confused look on your face and say "You know, numbers that big are just hard to get your head around. What would that be in cases of beer?"
Now that I think about it, this might work even better for very small purchases like a pack of gum.
I've done a bit of sidebar work. Did you notice? The Snooze Points section has moved up a bit and there's an addition to it. Posts that have open points still available are now listed. Yay!
I'm also going to reiterate the introduction and rules and link this post in the sidebar for reference.
Snooze Points - what the hell?
Snooze Points are a year-long contest for my readers. Every so often there will be a post with a bit of trivia, a contest, or something else for readers to answer. The person who gets the trivia question correct first, or the person who does best in the contest will get points. The number of points depends on how difficult I think the trivia bit was or how big the contest was. Some contests will have multiple winners (Grand prize, runner ups).
During the season every player who has at least one point gets a link in the sidebar. When it gets too full the top 10 will be listed with regular links and the rest will be collapsed (like my blogroll). The links are still on the first page though so you'll always have that going for you.
At the end of the season the overall point leader gets a present. Last season's winner (Rob from XSet) got some stylin custom t-shirts and the story behind them. The top few finishers stay linked at the top of the Snooze Points section through the entire next season.
The rules
No computer assisted searching is the only real rule. That means no Googling, imdb-ing, MapQuesting, Mirriam-Webstering, etc. Just plain no ing-ing.
Other references are more than acceptable. Got a book? Look it up. Mom is a movie quote buff? Ask her. Remember me writing about it a year ago? Browse my archives - just don't use the search function on my site.
It's all about having a bit of fun. Keep it honest, keep it light, profanity is encouraged.
Stealth Points
These are sneaky little demonic trivia bits that can be stuck just about anywhere. If you see something in one of my posts that is a movie quote, book quote, or otherwise would have served as a decent trivia question, it could be a stealth point.
Just shout out in the comments with something like this: Stealth point! [answer/source/whatever]. But instead of [answer/source/whatever] put in your answer, source, or whatever.
Notifications
If you'd like to be put on the notification list for when a Snooze Point post goes up just send me an email and I'll stick you on the list. I don't always remember to send out notifications but it's a free service so you really do get more than you paid for in any case.
Eminent domain is the power of the government to seize private property to put it to public use. They might do this to put in a railroad line or an interstate, perhaps a parking lot for the court building or to demolish slums. It's also been used by various nefarious officials to blatantly steal people's property.
The Supreme Court is hearing an eminent domain case now. They will rule whether or not the government of New London can kick landowners out of their homes so a new Cosco can be built. Okay, that's a bit of a paraphrase but it's essentially the way it is. New London wants to seize 15 homes and then give the peninsula of Fort Trumbull to private developers.
The government argues that they need to redistribute this land in order to build up the tax base, create jobs and improve the very sad economy of New London. They say that developers are not interested in building up Fort Trumbull unless all of Fort Trumbull is given to them. The land owners refuse to give up their family homes and legal property so Pfizer can build another parking lot on free land.
The repercussions of this case will be widespread. If the Court determines that "public use" includes gifting one person's private property to another private interest every single land owner is in danger. There is no private home (possibly excepting Graceland) that would not be a better income generator if it was replaced with a WalMart.
My position is pretty obvious: The profit of the many does not outway the rights of the few.
Okay, so I lied about the peanuts. The other two are the honest truth though. Go see the New Blog Carnival Showcase Extravaganza Supreme Delicio (#2) to be amazed and delighted.
And bring peanuts.
What's your squirrel name?
Frighteningly enough, my alterego's name comes up as General Dangleberry. What are the odds that my given name and a psychotic made-up name would end up so similarly in squirrelese?
(Hat tip to Nibbles Fluffycheeks)
It's almost an oxymoron. MTV - Music Television. Turn on MTV at almost any hour of the day and you'll see partying teens or a reality show. The few videos they still play are during request shows and it's the same 10 videos as last week, every week.
Over the weekend Lovely Wife and I watched an hour or so of "classic" music videos on VH1. These are videos from the 1980's for the most part. It was quite a trip through retro-ville, let me tell you.
And I now know why MTV started moving away from actually playing videos in the 1980's. It's because these videos suck with the terrible and inexorable strength of a black hole.
I'm just saying.
(Hat tip to Delusional Duck)
My irregular posting of some of the best stuff I've read recently.
Not So Sweet - Tre explores the recent history of sweetener, and gives out the grand secret of how to eat sweet without getting cancer or the mange.
Snot Rockets in Costa Rica - Flibby's vacation is going ... well. That's "well" as in a big empty hole in the ground, of course.
Congress shall make no law... - Claire speaks out on censorship, the federally mandated kind.
TiVo Customer Support - 8ZERO8 has an encounter of the automated kind.
Oh, I guess I don't. - Everything you ever wanted to know about Tiffany? Well, here's your chance to ask her.
Just got back from Atlanta... - Annette and family have found a house. The ranks of the voluntary southerners is increasing!
WAAAAAH! I NEVER GET ANY TRAFFIC! - This could be the coolest thing since the shortlived MemeBlog. Harvey has found a place that makes submitting your posts to the various carnivals as easy as 1, 2, 3.
Yesterday evening we got a visit from some new neighbors. It was not a pleasant experience. They just bought a house down the street and moved in a short while ago. They've got a fenced back yard where they keep two dogs.
Nine-eye, our much loved neighborhood dog, went visiting. Although he is very timid with people he is very social with other dogs. Being a large boy and an experienced fence jumper he has no difficulty getting into their back yard. Our new neighbors are not pleased with his actions.
Perhaps "not pleased" is a bit of an understatement. What they are is angry enough that they threatened to kill Nine-eye if he goes into their yard again.
Yes, the mister said flat out that if we didn't keep Nine-eye out of his yard he would kill the dog.
This upset me greatly, but wasn't what brought me within inches of my first adult fist fight. What pissed me off even more than his threat was his qualifier, which he kept mouthing as if it absolved him of any consequence of his actions.
"I don't mean to be hateful, but..."
"I don't want to sound hateful, but..."
"I'm not trying to be hateful, but..."
Finally I couldn't hear that any more. My blood was boiling and I was about to pop. I looked him straight in the eye and said "I cannot imagine anything more hateful than that". Proud of me? I sure am. What I really wanted to say included colorful expressions about his person and a goodly dose of vitriol.
As it was, my simple words calling him on the carpet difused what was becoming a very bad situation. After I said that he got quiet for a few moments and when he spoke again the belligerence was gone. I got him to agree to call us if he saw Nine-eye in his yard again. Hopefully if we scold Nine-eye it will be more effective than him chasing the dog out of his yard.
It will not be a permanent solution. Nine-eye is very canine social. He wants to be with other dogs. He will return there eventually. Although we were able to reason with these new neighbors I do not think they will remain reasonable for very long. A person who'll come up to your house and tell you he is going to kill your dog is not the kind of person who strikes me as being reasonable for any length of time.
So what can we do? The best long-term solution is to get him out of his dangerous environment. Lovely Wife has started looking for a permanent home for him. He's a wonderfully friendly dog, very gentle and easy to handle. Once he's comfortable with a person, that is. He is very timid with most folk but recognizes "dog people" pretty quickly. He is quite smart and very social. I think he would be an excellent house dog after some patient training. He would also do very well as a yard dog but the fences need to be jumper-proof and he would absolutely need other dogs around him.
If you're in the Atlanta Metro area and would like to own a wonderful animal, please let me know. Heck, if you're outside of the Atlanta Metro area but would like to own a wonderful animal this is the perfect excuse to come see the delights of the area and pick up a pet while you're here. If you know anybody who might be interested please point them to this entry.
Update: Lovely Wife took some new pictures of Nine-eye. They're at the post linked above. Damn, that's one handsome dog! Here's one of them. He's tied up so he won't go into that backyard. This makes him very sad.
Remember this little game? It was fun and I've had some movie quotes bouncing around in my head so I'm playing it again. Here's the modified SBD rules for the game:
- Pick 13 movies that you enjoy.
- Pick a line of dialog that you like.
- As people guess the film, strike out that entry.
- NO cheating!!! That means NO: Google, IMDb, searching my archives etc.!
- First person to correctly guess each entry gets a point. If there are any left after 24 hours they are worth 2 points.
Quotey bits are in the extended entry. Game on!
I think we might need to declare the breakroom a conversation free zone.
Gal 1: Great haircut!Gal 2: Thanks! You really like it?
Gal 1: Yeah! It really shows off your breasts.
I just can't imagine going up to a male coworker and saying "Hey, Tom - great haircut. It really makes your cock stand out."
Is it just me?
The results of the Drag Queen Cat Fight are in. Sorry it took so long. We had to wait for the Ohio returns to be validated. The winners, in traditional reverse loser order, are:
Second runner up (1 point)
There isn't one! It's a tie for first runner up!
First runner up (3 points)
Princess Red (aka Kenny) and Maxi Hemlock (aka Helen) with 4 votes each.
The most draggish of the drag queens (5 points)
ShyAnne Havenwood (aka Holly) with a runaway 12 votes!
Congratulations, Ladies!
Disclaimer: Vegans, vegetarians and lovers of cuddly animals should not read this entry, which has been courteously concealed in the extended entry. You've been warned.
(That disclaimer sort of makes the title to this post all menacing, doesn't it? Mwah hah hah hah!!)
We've got morning traffic reports. We've got web-based mapping services. Combine the two.
Introducing MyTraffic.com*! Pull up the site before you head out the door. It shows you the best route to work taking into consideration slow traffic flows, accidents, etc.
* This is not a real site. Yet.
Of a website, I mean. According to Organic HTML, that is. See?
(Click for big size)
Lovely Wife's site is elegant and tall, with stylish accents. Hmmm...that's a pretty accurate description.
(Click for big size)
And mine? Well, it's a bit short with a rather prominent phallic element. Damned accurate, this thing is.
(Click for big size)
(Hat tip to Tre, who'll be on my blogroll whenever I get around to updating it.)
RP is having some fun with taxes ( <-- note: very heavy sarcasm) and asked if there are any volunteers to re-write the Tax Code and Regs.
I am the man.
First, let me state that the ultimate goal would be to eliminate income taxes altogether. Yes, it would too work just fine. It worked wonderfully before the Constitution was ammended to make this government theft legal. Restricting the government's access to money and the carrot/stick of monetary levies and gifts keeps government small and efficient. We have a bloated monster precisely because the government has given itself the power to take as much as the public will bear.
Anywho...that's not going to happen without open rebellion so I've come up with a simple and effective tax system that will work, will be perfectly simple and will be fair to all.
10% of income over $20,000 is paid as income tax. As many people as want to may form a household and file together. A family of five would pay 10% of any collective income over $100,000. There are no other taxes on income and there are no other exemptions. There are no loopholes.
Oh, yeah - almost forgot. As a corollary to promote fiscal responsibility, any politician submitting or approving a deficit spending budget gets a toe cut off. See the comments in RP's post for a bit more in-depth look at the toe-ectomy issue.
Found at Why Television Sucks - A do it yourself bumpersticker maker. Ah, what fun!
Here's a nice topical one:
One we'd all love to use but wouldn't have the balls:
A venerable classic revisited:
And a couple dedicated to everybody's least favorite socialist:
See what you can come up with and trackback to this post (or direct me to your post in the comments here if you fear trackbacks). Best stickers will win some points next Wednesday.