I've finally setup the home network. Had to buy a new antenna to do it, but it works better with the router that came in the new house than any of my older stuff did. Also stuck the setup IP for the router in my favorites folder, so that if I ever have any problems it's a few simple clicks. Yes, sometimes I do have moments of clarity.

I had to go to the mall today to get my kid some new sneakers. So I’m standing there in the sneaker store waiting to be helped when the screaming started.

I looked over and saw a guy, looked to be about forty years old, raising his voice to a young woman who worked there. I didn’t think much of it at first, but got louder and louder and I walked over to see exactly what was going on. I have a nose for this kind of thing…I generally know when violence is about to occur. And I could tell by the sound of this guy’s voice that he was pretty close.

I walked up and saw that the guy was pointing his finger in the woman’s face and screaming, in an absolute rage, about the return policy. I looked around and saw two other employees, both high school age, and both looked terrified. I looked back to the guy, who was screaming even louder at this point, and I didn’t see any bulges, but he still could have had a gun. By now the woman was really scared. I have some experience in these things and I knew this guy was not in control of himself. It was a blind rage.

I have rules about getting involved in other people’s business. I generally don’t. This had nothing to do with me. If I got involved and things got physical there could be problems—like a lawsuit. But the overriding factor for me was the fact that this asshole was threatening a woman and she was scared shitless. I simply can’t tolerate that.

The woman walked behind the sales counter to put some distance between her and the nutcase and when the guy started following her around the counter and I knew what was coming next. I closed the gap instantly so I was right behind him. The woman looked at me pleadingly and I mimicked holding a telephone and mouthed, “Security.”

She went for the phone and the guy went for her. I was literally twelve inched behind him and he had no idea.

“That’s far enough, Chief.”

He turned and found me standing on his heels and went pale. He was off balance and I had several choices, although the most appealing was swinging my elbow across his jaw so it would have to be wired for six weeks or so. I had a second to decide to strike or not. I used restraint.

“The lady asked you to leave.”

He just stared at me.

“One way or another, you’re going out the door. Choose now.”

He left without saying a word. I realized at that point that there was zero tension in my body. I was completely relaxed, which isn’t always the case in an adrenaline type situation. From experience I can tell you that in a relaxed state during a physical altercation you can do some amazing things. That guy will probably never know how close he came to the worst day of his life.

I really don’t like violence. In fact I abhor violence, but if my kid wasn’t there he’d still be in the emergency room.

I haven’t been in a situation like that in many years. I was taught that if all someone understands is violence, then give them violence. And beat them so severely that they never bother another peaceful living soul again.

And I thought about that, because just like on TV I flashed back to my teacher explaining that philosophy to me. It was twenty years ago, but in an instant I there again. The scene was so vivid I could smell the cup of tea he was always sipping from. And in another instant I was back standing there in the store with the asshole standing in front of me. It was like time travel.

The rest of the day was uneventful.

Heap on the wood! - the wind is chill; But let it whistle as it will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still.

~ Sir Walter Scott

The Monty Hall Problem

This problem originated when it was sent in to Parade Magazine and was published in the column of Marilyn vos Savant on September 9, 1990.

Savant was touted as the person with the highest I.Q. in Guinness Book of World Records, and while the actual value of her I.Q. is in dispute (as are all I.Q. values), I think we can stipulate that this broad’s pretty goddamned smart.

The question is based on the old game show, Let’s Make A Deal, whose host was named Monty Hall. It goes like this:

Suppose you're on a game show, and you're given the choice of three doors: Behind one door is a car; behind the others, goats. You pick a door, say No. 1, and the host, who knows what's behind the doors, opens another door, say No. 3, which has a goat. He then says to you, "Do you want to pick door No. 2?" Is it to your advantage to switch your choice?

So basically, you’re given a choice between three doors. Two goats and one car. The host opens a door you did not pick and shows you a goat. There are two doors left, the one you picked and the one you didn’t. One has a goat behind it, the other has a car. The host then asks if you want to change your pick. What do you think?

It’s a 50%-50% chance right?

Actually, it’s not. If you change your pick you actually improve your odds of winning from ½ to 2/3.

Savant got a shitload of letters from professors all over the place claiming she was an idiot. Of course, in the end, she was right.

You cannot ignore the past here like you can with a coin flip. You originally had a 1/3 chance of winning, but by switching your choice you improve to 2/3 chance to win.

The contestant should choose to switch to the remaining door. The chance of winning the car is doubled when the player switches to another door rather than sticking with the original choice. The reason for this is that to win the car by sticking with the original choice, the player must choose the door with the car first, and the probability of initially choosing the car is one in three. Whereas, to win the car by switching, the player must originally choose a door with a goat first, and the probability of choosing a goat door first is two in three.

If you’re still confused, and it took a while for it to sink in for me, the solutions and aids to understanding can be found here.

This was posted on my original blog, about a hundred years ago. I'm still haunted by this tale--ed.

When I was little kid, maybe four or five years old, my parents did something horrible to me. I still hold a grudge.

It was Christmas morning, circa 1967. I woke up and ran straight to the tree. And what I saw was too good to be true. There was a drum set. A sparkling red drum set. Santa left it for me.

I played those drums all day. It was fantastic. I played through lunch and dinner. I played until it was time to go to bed. I played until I was forced to stop.

The next morning I woke up early and ran straight for the drums, but when I got there the drums were gone. Vanished without a trace. I completely freaked out.

“Where are my drums!” I screamed. “They’re gone!”

My mother was standing over me. I knew something was terribly wrong.

“Santa came and took the drums away last night. He said you were too little to play them, and that he would bring them back when you get older.”

I began to shriek and wail. I cried and cried, while my mother just looked on. I was shocked that Santa would do something like this. It was horribly cruel. It was unjust.

Somehow, over the next ten years, I forgot about the incident.

Then one day I was up in the attic looking for something. I must have been around fifteen at the time. The attic was like a messy museum. To find anything you had to dig and explore, move boxes covered with dust and tightrope walk on the beams so you wouldn’t fall through the ceiling.

I had just moved a box and way in the back something caught my eye. I swept the flashlight beam in that direction. What I saw was astonishing. It was the red drum set.

I climbed back there at great personal risk and retrieved the drums and cymbals. The whole episode came back to me with remarkable clarity. I was very sad. However, my emotion soon turned to anger. I went downstairs and found my parents.

“I can’t believe what you did,” I said.

“What are you talking about?” my mother said.

“I found the drums! I found the goddamned drums from when I was five! Santa took them away, remember?”

“Oh, boy. Here we go,” she said.

“Yes. Here we go indeed. Do you know I thought I imagined all that? I can’t believe the cruelty.”

“Listen,” she said in a calm voice. “You banged away on those things for hours. You were driving us all nuts. It was so loud that we couldn’t have a conversation. The noise was terrible, we had to do something.”

I walked away from the conversation. I have never forgotten that episode. And every Christmas since then I have brought it up to my mother. It was 35 years ago and I’m still pissed off.

Well, I'm obviously honored that Time Magazine would name me person of the year. Thank you so much to everyone who's been so supportive over the years.

You know, for a small-town guy like me, whose 'internet content' basically consists of equal parts obscenity, humiliation, and misanthropy; I've got to say I didn't see this coming. Especially when I'm up against competition like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ; who's had Time Magazine just absolutely coming in their pants the past few months. I mean, how am I supposed to compete with a totalitarian, terror-supporting 'champion-of-the-dispossed' 'global everyman'? That guy's covering just about every voting block. Well, except for chicks and Jews; and let's be honest - they're not allowed to vote anyways, right?

Yeah, I guess this honor makes it a real banner year for the team here at SBD. So on behalf of myself, Jim, Paul, and god knows how many others out there: We're really frickin' honored, Time Magazine. You nutsacks.

I grew up loving the outdoors, and when I decided to go to college, a large part of my campus selection was the abundance of outdoor activities local to the university. As soon as I arrived, I fell right in with a group of friends who all had the same interests.

The crew was about 20 or 30 people, with maybe six or so of them being close personal friends. I still stay in contact with those boys on occassion. There were a couple guys who were hardcore whitewater paddlers, some climbers, and a decent number of mountain bikers. All of us were avid campers, hikers, and backpackers. It was kind of nice, because nobody was involved with all of the activities, but everyone did at least two of them. There was always something to do and somebody to bring along.

Via Jenelle:

1) How old do you wish you were? I'm pretty good with where I'm at. Besides, if I wanted to be younger that would mean moving back in with Mom and Dad. Fuck that noise.

2) Where were you when 9-11 happened? I don't recall exactly, but I was walking to class when I first heard about it.

3) What do you do when vending machines steal your money? I've never been robbed by a vending machine.

4) Do you consider yourself kind? I wouldn't say that about myself, no. Not that I'm hateful, I'm just to logical and cynical to afford any sort of all-encompassing type of kindness towards all others.

5) If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? Depends on what I was getting a tattoo for.

6) If you could be fluent in any other language what would it be? Spanish or Chinese.

7) Do you know your neighbors? I just moved to a new place, and have yet to meet (or even catch a glimpse of, really) the new neighbors. I have an odd feeling though, that they're all watching the two of us very closely. It's unsettling.

8) What do you consider a vacation? No worries.

9) Do you follow your horoscope? Nope.

10) Would you move for the person you loved? Yeah.

11) Are you touchy feely? Pretty much only in private. Not a big fan of PDA.

12) Do you believe that opposites attract? Of course I do. I mean, if Paula Abdul said it, it must be true.

13) Dream job? Sure, why not. I mean, if it's anything like a blow job or a hand job, I'd probably be willing to take one. Wait, you're not a cop are you?

14) Favorite channel(s)? Discovery, National Geographic, History, The Speed channel, Food Network, Comedy Central. I have favorite shows that don't come on those channels, but the channels my favorite shows come on are kind of generic and lame.

15) Favorite place to go on weekends? Home. Or to the bar, but the bar is getting kind of lame. Maybe I just need a new bar.

16) Showers or Baths? Shower, because there's something about sitting in a pool of my own filth that turns me off. and baths get cold. Although now that you mention it, I begin to wonder if penises float. I might have to take a bath just to see what happens.

17) Do you paint your nails? No.

18) Do you trust people easily? Depends on the person, and what exactly I'm trusting them with.

19) What are your phobias? The dark kind of freaks me out, especially when I'm alone. I also worry about getting into deadly car accidents, plane crashes, The Wife getting robbed, beaten, and raped by some psycho meth addict; my family, money, you know; pretty much everything.

20) Do you want kids? Yeah, but you could also put them under 'Phobias'.

21) Do you keep a handwritten journal? I did when I was younger, but eventually it just felt kind of lame.

22) Where would you rather be right now? Since I'm at work, I'd probably rather be just about anywhere this side of a dentist's chair.

23) What makes you feel warm and safe? A nice heavy parka and a fully loaded Beretta?

24) Heavy or light sleeper? The soundness of my sleep is directly related to the volume of alcohol consumed in the three hour period before I go to bed.

25) Are you paranoid? Of course. Aren't you?

26) Are you impatient? Highly.

27) Who can you relate to? The Wife and most well-behaved dogs.

28) How do you feel about interracial couples? I don't care. Unless it's an Armenian and a Slovak. God, that disgusts me.

29) Have you been burned by love? Not unless you count two mild UTI's, a slight bit of gonorreah, an experience with the clap, and herpes.

30) What's your life motto? Who the hell has a life motto? Seriously, if life was that simple there wouldn't be so many fucksticks running around.

31) What's your main ringtone on your mobile? It's two short pulses.

32) What were you doing at midnight last night? Sleeping.

33) Who was your last text message from? Actually, it was just a random number. Kind of weird.

34) Whose bed did you sleep in last night? Mine.

35) What color shirt are you wearing? Light blue.

36) What are you listening to right now? Nothing. I can hear the air handler and a clock or something.

37) Name three things you have on you at all times? Well, technically there's nothing I have on me at all times, except maybe some hair, some skin, and a wedding band.

38) What color are your bed sheets? Green or blue.

39) How much cash do you have on you right now? None, as usually is the case.

40) What is your favorite part of the chicken? I like buffalo wings, and chicken breasts can be really good too. Heck, even the carcass is good for stock.

41) What's your fav city/place? Ocracoke was really nice, and the NC mountains are great too. I think I'd like to go to Jackson Hole and explore the outlying areas there too.

42) I can't wait till . . . Retirement.

43) Who got you to set up a blog? Nobody really. I was reading them and decided that instead of leaving novel-length comments that nobody would read, I should just start a blog that nobody would read.

44) What did you have for dinner last night? Chicken salad.

46) Have you ever smoked? Yes.

47) Do you own a gun? No.

48) Tea or Coffee? Iced Tea, on occasion.

49) What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Rohypnol.

50) Do you have A.D.D.? Pretty much.

51) What time did you wake up today? 7:00 and again at 7:10, and finally at 7:20 I surrendered to the snooze button.

52) Current worry? I have to pick one?

53) Current want? Hmmm, I'd like to have a hobby that isn't a lot of work but is still interesting and entertaining.

54) Favorite place to be? I like hanging out with The Wife.

55) Where would you like to travel in the future? I think I'd get a real kick out of Rome or Greece. I'd like to hit the Eurpean countryside too, but I can't decide which country.

56) Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs? Not here, but we haven't decided where we're moving to yet.

57) Last thing you ate? Hashbrowns and juice.

58) What songs do you sing in the shower? Not a shower singer.

59) Last person that made you laugh? Who knows, I laugh a lot. Sometimes I laugh at people who aren't even trying to make me laugh.

60) Worst injury you've ever had? Never had any really bad injuries.

61) Does someone have a crush on you? Probably. My musk is pretty powerful.

62) What is your favorite candy? Not a big candy person, but I do like gourmet chocolate.

63) What song do you want played at your funeral? My Ding-a-Ling, by Chuck Berry.

I actually had a big entry I was going to post today, but I lost my USB drive. No telling where it is.

Still no wireless downstairs. We try not to talk about that around me.

So I went to the Cingular store regarding my Bluetooth issues. They told me to call a 1-800 number and someone would send me a replacement phone, because apparently the Chinese laborer who built my phone was stoned off his ass that day or something, so my Bluetooth shit was fucked up from the start anyways. So I call the number, they send me a replacement phone. Lo and motherfucking behold, I immediately begin having the same problems. Whew, glad we're consistent.

I go to the store today with both phones and politely (I know, you don't believe me) explain to the guy what's going on. First words out of his mouth: "These things are such a pain." Really? I hadn't noticed. Thanks for selling me one. He continues to tell me that there's no way of trouble-shooting them, and how much they irritate him. I nod my head and agree. He exchanges my old earbud with a new one and says it's no cost. At least I got a new phone out of the deal. I'm going to have to remember that trick. The new earbud is charging right now, but my bookie's giving me 5 to 1 that I experience the same problem.

The Wife finished her second-to-last semester of nursing school today. It's kind of nice to see her again. I was pretty sure she'd left me for someone with decent table manners and stock options.

‘Tis the season.

Two days ago I was driving down the road and was passed by a car with flat tire. I did a double take, thinking I must be mistaken, but sure enough the right rear tire was flat and the old bastard just kept cruising on the rim. As if that was not strange enough, this morning I saw another car with a flat, not in the passing lane, but still, driving at about 40 MPH. Not a care in the world.

I went to get a new star for the top of the tree on Saturday and the place was a madhouse, full of insanely rude Christmas shoppers. Carts smashing into people, et al. Those people had murder I their eyes. It’s amazing the number of people who desperately need a lesson in humility—by way of a brutal beating.

Meanwhile the Christmas cards are pouring in and in a way they anger the hell out of me, as it’s a lot of work to pump these things out, and I know that we must diligently reciprocate. At the last minute obscure people always send cards and we need to scurry so we don’t go to hell or whatever. It’s getting to the point that when I hear Christmas music my natural reaction is to tense up all my muscles like I’m preparing to take a punch in the gut from Mike Tyson.

Last night The Wife and I scored a solid cherry bedroom set. A sleigh bed and two nightstands for only $200. Used furniture is the only way to go (excluding mattress and sometimes couches). For some reason, the cherry was stained really dark though. My recollection of cherry is that it's somewhat blond in color, with a bit of a shimmer in the grain. This stuff looks almost mahogany. Might be time to break out the sandpaper.

We raked the front yard this morning too, which served two purposes. One, that I will never again own a home with a yard this big without having children (or some other form of legalized free labor) to do the work for me. And two, that shit is bullshit. Seriously, the previous owners were, to say the least, not big on the yard maintenance stuff. We raked up about a year or two's worth of pinestraw, only to discover that in the many places where the grass wasn't growing, it was either sand or moss.

But I'm done just in time for college football. My alma mater plays today at 4pm EST, hosting some sorry bunch of fools who think they're going to win the semifinal game at OUR house, in OUR conditions (about 25 degrees, not including any windchill). So if you're not doing anything this afternoon, you could always watch my team work on their second national championship. In a row.

Gotta run, apparently the bar ran out of cups and the papergoods delivery guy doesn't come until Thursday. I have just enough time to hit the store and be at the bar in time for kickoff.

I guess I'm a little miffed that America didn't somehow manage to lift this tradition from the Euros. I mean, running around town dressed up like an NYC sewer rat on PCP, screaming in the streets and swatting butts with a stick? Jesus, that sounds like a hell of a great way to spread some Yuletide cheer!

Finally, a way to celebrate Christmas that doesn't involve ugly sweaters, tacky family photos, eggnog, fruity caroling, those hideous 'Family Newsletters' people insist on sending, or latently pedophilic icons. What, you're telling me you don't think Santa's just another covertly sexual commercial device hoisted on society by our capitalist overlords?

Just look at the silouette of the sleigh: A long column of reindeer, extending out in front of a man who, of course, totes around his very own giant sack. Oh yeah, and don't forget that he gains entry (in the dark of the night, no less) by plumbing the depths of your chimney with little surprises for your children. "Come here and sit on my lap, little one!" Indeed.

The wireless thing just isn't working. At first, it would detect the available networks, even connect to them showing signal strength. But it wouldn't recieve any data. I clicked 'Repair' and it said something about my IP address being invalid. So I did a system restore; which was a bonehead move because I didn't look to make sure I still had the CD for my wireless antenna. So it looks like I might just have to go buy a little $20 USB antenna for the downstairs PC because I have no way of getting the one I have to 'talk' to my computer. How lame.

Either that or just buy a shit ton of cable. Ha!

Continuing my wireless woes is my cell phone. The Wife bought me one of those Bluetooth ear peices that makes you look like a cyborg. See, I rarely just sit and talk on the phone; usually it's while I'm doing something else, so I really like the handsfree stuff. Well, the fucker refuses to connect to my phone. The phone will detect the device, setup, and when I punch in the given passcode it tells me the passcode is incorrect. The real kicker? It works with her phone just fine. Maybe I'll get off my ass and collect the motivation to go to the Cingular store and pout.

New place is all set up. It's fucking huge in here. We went from 800sqft to 2200sqft, and it's all I can do to find my way out of the house every morning. We've got two adjoinging rooms that don't have anything in them (we ran out of furniture), but they have these really nice hardwoods. We've taken to calling it the ballroom.

I think we've decided to hit up some antique stores in town for a kitchen table/chairs, and a headboard. I've been wanting to get a new TV, but they don't sell normal TV's anymore. When I was in college I bought the 27-inch I have now for like $200. Well, it seems that if you want anything 30 inches or larger, you have to get it in HD with a plasma screen. I was hoping I could get away with a 32-inch regular set for less than $500 bucks; but they seriously no longer manufacture those. What a shit deal!

Does anyone know anything about this stuff? A buddy was kind enough to come by today and connect my PC to our home network, but the cable blinked this evening and now my desktop is acting weird.

The PC upstairs that's hardwired into our cable modem works fine, and my PC downstairs in picking up our home network and showing an 'Excellent' or 'Very Good' signal, but I'm getting DNS errors on every page I go to.

WTF mate?

Well, a trip to the bar proved cathartic. Boxes have been unpacked, the stereo is finally playing music (which is a Godsend beyond what can be described here), and the lights are on.

Still stealing wireless networks downstairs, but the main office upstairs is finally getting its cable fix. Tomorrow we'll get the wireless network figured out, hopefully find a way to keep the bed from sliding across the wood floors, maybe get the bar room steamcleaned, and pray to God the cat gets normalized (fucking beast).

More blogging as the weekend goes on, but it may be spotty. Mostly because there's a strip club in town celebrating its 10th anniversary and we've been invited as guests of honor.

That should keep your gears turnin'!

Well, moving is a real sonofabitch. After a week on vacation, that turned out to be more stressful than relaxing (who the hell gives a ticket for 'Improper Start'?), we spent the last five or six days not sleeping. Packing, moving, unpacking (in the dark), getting utilities lined up, trying to go to work, The Wife's finishing up exams. It's been a fucking nightmare. It's December and as I write this I'm sweating. It's humid, but at the same time windy as all hell. I'm just glad we seem to have gotten all our belongings from one place to the other. Now if we could only remember which boxes we packed them in.

Oh, stealing people's wireless networks is way too easy. The connections tend to suck, but until the cable man comes, it'll have to work. Passwords people, they're good for your download speeds and personal security; and home networks are easy to secure. And by the fucking way, I think my neighbors are the last remaining netizens who still travel at an agonizingly slow 11Mbps.

More blogging later this weekend. That is, if anyone still visits this site. We seem to be absentee bloggers of late eh?