When's the last time you heard a blond joke? More importantly, when's the last time you heard a hillarious blond joke?
They would start on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!
***Update***
It's come to my attention that some people don't realize this is a picture of the pope.
My buddy Dave has a mother who was once a nun. He comes up to me in the bar the other night, and we start telling each other jokes. You know, you tell one; then the other says "Nonono, I got one for ya." And so on until Dave says, "Okay skippy. I got one for ya. How do you get a nun pregnant?"
I look at Dave. "I honestly don't know dude."
The grunion memes are running. Some are good, some are bad, all of them are serious introspectives. Time to inject a bit of levity! I give you the Engrishmeme:
The questions:
1) You think of that any one will make really this meme?
I think somebody already did. It's like, here now, you know?
2) Has your father the cheerfulness which is known you?
My cheerfulness knows no bounds but Dad has a bound or two in his cheerfulness limit so I've got to say no to this one.
3) It is many the dog and the cat it spreads out how, it has?
They generally spread through population expansion, just like bunnies.
4) How many licks it adopts obtains to the tootsie popular music center?
I think the answer is "one" and the subject in question is "Christina Aguilera".
5) Which thing fairies for one life?
Leprechauns. Definitely leprechauns.
The gimmicky part:
1) When you post this on your blog get rid of the first question, bump up all the numbers and make a new question for #5. In other words, you are going to be answering your own question #5 and not answering my question #1.
2) You make a new question by writing it in English, translating it to a foreign tongue, and then translating it back to English. Don't tell anybody what the actual original question was.
3) Trackback to this post or return here to make a comment and let me know where you are because I'm keen on seeing what y'all come up with.
4) Make sure to trackback/comment to the person you snagged this from too because they're going to want to see how you answer their question #5. Responses to the Engrish questions are hillarious when you know what the original English was.
Fini:
1) That means it's the end and there is nothing else.
2) You're done.
3) Pretty pointless, this section.
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across a Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.
As she neared the middle of the bridge, she noticed a young man ready fixin' to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please don't jump, think of yoah deah momma and daddy."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of yoah wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, "Well, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee."
(Hat tip to Lovely Wife)
Do you know what the difference is between Northern fairy tales and Southern fairy tales?
Northern fairy tales start with "Once upon a time, in a land far, far away..."
Southern ones start with "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
(Hat tip to the Popsicle Lady)
The various branches of the armed forces rag on each other incessantly. It's generally done in good humor and taken well by the target. At the root of things anybody serving has a decent respect for other folks who are serving.
We pretty much ignore the Coast Guard. I guess that's because picking on the Coast Guard would be too much like kicking a puppy. As a Navy man I've spent years casting aspersions on the grunts and the jarheads but my favorite target has been the Air Farce, mostly because my Dad was a Sergeant in the USAF and picking on Dad is always good fun.
With all that in mind, here's a little treasure sent to me by Lovely Wife:
I never would have guessed.
Confucius say: Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .
I'm sorry What was the question?
The husband had just finished reading the book, "MAN OF THE HOUSE".
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director!"
Confucius say: Man who cook carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
What's brown and sticky?
I kind of feel bad for pickin' on Jim. Here he was nice enough to loan me a set of keys to his place and I went and poked fun at him for wearing Manties. Ever since that post I've been feeling guilty, but you can't un-ring a bell. The only thing I could think of was to post something to sooth his possibly damaged ego.
But what to post. I’m new to the gay blog scene and unsure of how to "stroke" the ego of a gay blogger, sure I know Jim isn't gay but he is listed by spidergay. So I called a couple of gay bloggers I know.
The one thing they said that always makes them feel better is when someone talks about the size of their cock in a positive light. Luckily I was digging through Jim’s archives and I found the picture in the extended entry, which unlike the others is definitely work safe (Scout’s Honor, I Promise it is really!!!).
As most of you know Jim’s run off for a while to a wedding in Spokane. He hand picked the best writers on the internet the six knuckle heads that actually took the time to fill out the request. Using his powers of telepathy Jim could tell that you, the faithful Snooze Button Readers could miss him. So he sent me the photo* with a note scribbled on it (its in the extended entry and Not Work Safe) that I wanted to share with you.
I must warn you a bit though before you take a look at the photo that it’s a tad bit disturbing. I had always thought that Jim was joking when he said he looked like Matt LeBlanc**. And from his recent post an Argument for Creationism I had assumed he was a breast man (not that he had a pair). Well maybe he’s just fascinated will all facets of the human body since in his next post he was fixated with his ass. I just didn’t expect him to send us a photo with it on display (in red Manties no less).
So go ahead read the note Jim sent***, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Today is two for one!
INVESTING FOR YOUR RETIREMENT:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
Continue in the extended entry for the rest of this humor and the second truly tasteless funny.
Kids if you've been paying attention this week we learned earlier from Victor that States can no longer ban out of state wine shipments.
Every seeking to help our reader in their daily lives The Snooze Crew™ set out on a mission to review the best screw top wines available. After several trips to the corner mini-mart we determined the results of this wine review site were accurate.
With the help of the wines mentioned in the review you too can drink any woman pretty; even her.
Hat Tip: Confederate Yankee for point out referring us to the Wine Review mentioned above.
For those interested in filling out applications:
Hello - we are a team of award winning producers working on a film for a major cable network about women's progress - as well as our "unfinished business" and dreams.We are currently seeking women in their mid-40's to 60's who might be interested in sharing their recent coming out stories on camera. We believe that, by focusing on the personal and workplace conflicts and concerns of women who recently came out, we can illuminate the important struggles, triumphs and hopes of the lesbian community and of courageous, individual women.
Sure they're looking for women, but I figured what the hell I'd apply too, I'm a Lesbian trapped in a mans body (so I'm half of what they're looking for).
If you're interested in filling applying, here's the contact information.
There that should help firm up Jim's standing in the gay community. No matter what anybody else says I’m here for ya boss.
A good-ole-redneck boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.
After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night!!!"
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the broken whiskey bottle glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house, your bloodshot eyes, and all that blood in the bed, but, mostly.... it's all those band aids stuck on the mirror downstairs!"
What do Britney Spears and Michael Jackson have in common?
The elusive blue footed boobie.
If you had to pick one, would you rather have Narcolepsy or Turret's Syndrome?
Next time you make a big purchase - big screen TV, car, house, trailer full of radishes, etc - when you get to the end of the haggle phase put a confused look on your face and say "You know, numbers that big are just hard to get your head around. What would that be in cases of beer?"
Now that I think about it, this might work even better for very small purchases like a pack of gum.
The results of the Drag Queen Cat Fight are in. Sorry it took so long. We had to wait for the Ohio returns to be validated. The winners, in traditional reverse loser order, are:
Second runner up (1 point)
There isn't one! It's a tie for first runner up!
First runner up (3 points)
Princess Red (aka Kenny) and Maxi Hemlock (aka Helen) with 4 votes each.
The most draggish of the drag queens (5 points)
ShyAnne Havenwood (aka Holly) with a runaway 12 votes!
Congratulations, Ladies!
Q: Why do the trees in Georgia lean to the West?
A: Because Alabama sucks.
No, I've never been there and no, I don't really believe that*. If any of you Birminghamians just got riled up, go take a nice drive in your tractor and mellow out.
* The trees all do lean to the West though.
Vote carefully as the top finishers will be receiving coveted Snooze Points! This poll will stay open until some time next week.
* Uhhhh... right. It's pretty much all about the honor code with these things. Please don't cheat too much.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
(Hat tip to Joe)
UPDATE: Stealth points awarded!
Timmer: 2 points for answering the original question
Elyse: 2 points for finding an error in the problem and answering correctly using that info
Victor: 1 point because he's single-handedly kept the stealth points program alive
Don't you miss word problems? I sure do. Those were the kick-assest (kickest ass? kick assingest? never mind) part of school as far as I'm concerned.
Here's one for your enjoyment:
Bob the Sailor (a cousin of Bob the Builder, but without the little trademark thingy after his name) needed some rope. He went to Crafty McRippoff, the only boat supply shop in town.
"Hey, Crafty! I need me some rope. Argh!" he said as he entered the shop.
There's trouble brewing, guysYou have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's annual human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
* This title was scientifically designed by a Washington think tank to be irresistable to Harvey.
(Hat tip to Tiffani)
(Make your own with the Error Message Generator)
Snowballs!
Something tells me that Claire won't be sending me an interactive Christmas card next year.
Some things go together naturally and the symbiosis of the two is something better than the parts individually. Whether they're good or bad individually these blessed pairs become something onderful when added together. Take peanut butter and chocolate, Lovely Wife and I, alcohol and ladies of questionable moral fiber, or Michael Moore and a suppurating head wound.
On the other hand when some items are paired up they create a twisted melange far worse than either of the two taken separately. That's what we're here to discuss - things that go together...badly. Individually they may be good or bad but together they are horrific. I'll start us off, y'all chime in with comments.
- patent leather shoes + bunions
- morning wood + overcapacity bladder
- explosive diarrhea + plugged toilet
- Michael Moore + almost anything except a suppurating head wound
- thong Speedos + any male
- masturbation + mother-in-law
- Natalie Maines + a clue
- blogs + lists
- pedantic newscaster + documents revealed as forgeries after the most cursory inspection
- Paris Hilton + any recording device
Your turn!
(with apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein)
Democracies flourish and terrorists frying;
Consumers with money and Arafat dying;
Third world nations removing their kings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the news blows,
When the web slows,
When I'm feeling mad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Moore getting fatter and Dan Rathers' firing;
Peterson busted and WalMart is hiring;
Cutting off deadbeats from our apron strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the French speak,
When my bones creak,
When I'm feeling mad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Football on TV and boobs in our faces;
Kerry defeated and panties with laces;
Politicians in oceans without water wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the car stalls,
When the roof falls,
When I'm feeling mad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.