Since I've got absolutely nothing and haven't had anything for about three months, here's something from PJ O'Rourke that's like 30 years old from National Lampoon whereby PJ rips into foreigners. It's titled Foreigners Around the World - A Brief Survey of the Various Foreigners, Their Chief Characteristics, Customs, and Manners.
Here's a taste but read the whole thing. It's brutally funny. I don't know how he got away with this except it was National Lampoon and it was the 70's.
GERMANS
Racial Characteristics:
Piggish-looking, sadomasochistic automatons whose only known forms of relaxation are swilling watery beer from vast tubs and singing the idiotically repetitive verses of their porcine folk tune-both of which amusements probably hark back to a prehuman state. Germans have never been successfully Christianized. Their language lacks any semblance of civilized speech. Their usual diet consists almost wholly of old cabbage and sections of animal intestines filled with blood and gore. Once every two or three decades, they set forth, lemming-like, on pointless military adventures during which great numbers of them are slaughtered-much to the improvement Of the world in general. Their lardy women have long, tangled masses of sticky hair under their arms, and the men shave the sides of their heads.
Good Points:
Kill a lot of French.
Proper Form of Address:
Kraut, Hun, Heiny, spike-head, sausage-breath.
Enjoy!
Have you ever read a story and had no real idea of what was going on? I have.
WTF was that Twenty?
Until we get around to posting something worthwhile, which, to be honest, isn't slated to happen until sometime in early '08; I offer up a blog for your review. A close associate of mine has traded in her cushy job, her Arlington high-rise apartment, and all the associated conveniences of young professional big-city livin' for a ten year old Volvo station wagon and a year on the open road.
She sums it all up pretty well:
"Graduated from college. Worked for a year in DC. Have decided to chuck it all (except health care) for a road trip. Cue the Sound of Music opening montage."
So go, read, leave comments, LIVE VICARIOUSLY!
If I hadn't been so busy lately, I would have posted something like this recently. From Iowahawk:
In the back yard of scientific researchings behind the Great Storage Shed of the People, Iowahawk scientists successfully conducted above-ground nuclear missile test explosions under secure and many malt liquor conditions on early hours of October 10, 2006, at a stirring time when alarm clocks of the neighborhood have yet to clangle.
What really sucks is I can get my hands on all manner of pyrotechnic jubilation just across the border in South Carolina. Hey, I guess they figured if it was going to be legal to fuck your cousin, you might as well be able to purchase high explosives at a roadside stand.
Oh, and also of note...
This is a prime example of why I hate people. Whenever I try to help someone it turns out exactly like this.
Margi is home after freeing the Peanut from captivity. The little fella has already made his bloggy debut!
Head on over there and gush a bit.
Man, it's crowded around here at Chez Snooze. Jim moved the Snooze Crew out of the guest bedrooms and into the bathroom and living room. I'm under the sink, living inside the cabinet like a rat.
Appropriate, eh? Here's a picture of a rat sleeping in better accomodations than what Jim has given us:
Anyway, I'd like to give a warm Snooze Crew welcome to Paul and Shank, except I won't. Paul snores and Shank pisses Jen off sometimes. He *claims* she likes it, but I know better. Good thing he hasn't attacked Susie or it'd really be war.
Also, did anyone else notice Paul is one of the gay James Bonds instead of Sean Connery?
UPDATE: I do believe I owe shank an apology. He has commented:
Ya know, I've always wondered if Paul was a little..feshnickit. I mean, all this metrosexual, drinking martinis and reading books shit. If I didn't know he was a scotch drinker, I'd swear he was an asspirate.
I now realize shank is not prejudiced. He hates everybody.
But be warned: Don't ever make Susie cry!
Mmmmm....North Carolina pulled pork. I bet if we ask real nice, and offer him a case of beer, Phin'd give us his vinegar sauce recipe.
Rachel Ann has a little comment quiz today. My answer ended up way too big for a comment section so I'm posting it here. This way has a side benefit - maybe some of y'all can head over to Rachel's place so she gets more participation.
Here are my answers to her questions:
1.PETA--what is the first image that comes to your mind hearing the name?
Domestic terrorism.2.How do you react emotionally?
Generally with disgust.3.Do you agree or disagree with PETA's overall message?
Do they even have an overall message? Some of their specific messages, like handing out buckets of blood and comic books saying "Mommy murders dogs", leave me relatively speechless.4.Do you agree or disagree with how PETA presents that message?
You could safely classify me as part of the "disagree" group.5.Are (or were) you a vegetarian?
No. I thoroughly enjoy meat in all of its delicious variety.6.Do you own any pets?
Um...yeah. The current pet count is 14. 7 of those are of the dog and/or cat variety. The rest are decorative - birds and fish and suchlike.7.What rights over animals do you think humans should have?
All of them.8.Is experimentation on animals always wrong? Sometimes wrong? And if permissable when, what types of experiments, and how should they be conducted?
No, experimentation on animals isn't wrong. It is necessary for scientific advances and to promote certain economic factors. That said, I use Aussie hair products partially because they don't do animal testing. I'm happy to support a cosmetics company that goes through the expense of alternative product testing. That is MY choice as a consumer.9. To what uses can we put animals? (Pets only, aide animals etc.)
Animals should be put to whatever use can be found for them. Pets, farm animals, food source, guide dogs, helper monkeys, medical and biological testing. Whatever works.10. Including PETA, what animal rights groups (if any) do you support?
I don't support PETA in any way, shape or form. They are reprehensible. Come to think of it, I don't support any animal rights groups. Animals don't have rights. I do support our local animal shelters.
Summary:
All of that above makes me look like I torture bunnies for the fun of it. That is completely untrue. I torture bunnies for the large cash rewards.
Heh. Just kidding, it really is just for the fun of it.
There I go again. Serious now...
Animals are not people. They do not have rights. However, people do have the responsibility to care for an animal when they accept that burden. If you get a pet you have the responsibility to care for that pet. It is the dog's owner who is responsible for making sure that dog doesn't bite a kid. It is also that dog owner's responsibility to feed and shelter the dog. The way that a person (or a company, for that matter) cares for his animals says a world about him.
PETA disgusts me on many levels. They are so over the top with propaganda and bald-faced lies that it amazes me when otherwise intelligent people fall for their bullshit. They openly give money to ELF, a known terroristic organization. They promote illegal action by their members. They encourage assault and sabotage. I do not for the life of me understand how they have escapted federal prosecution on racketeering and domestic terrorism charges.
PETA animal shelters are not no-kill shelters. Isn't that the height of hypocrisy? PETA shelters in Florida kill more animals every year than all other shelters in Florida combined. Instead of finding homes for animals they spend millions of dollars on child propaganda every year. They truly disgust me.
But time enough to give birthday wishes to Jen and Harvey. And for Harvey, a little something special.
Victor here because Jim is ignoring his blog again. And since he was so thrilled with the results of the last test I took for him, I decided to do another one for him, by using the Very Scientifical method of just clicking on whatever the hell I feel like. Today, we learn which Classic Leading Lady good ol' Jim would make. It's in the extended entry, but I'll give you a hint: Mommie Dearest.
Flaptrap is dead. Long live the Voluntary Redneck!
This has been bugging me. Not Ilyka's post itself, but rather the topic dissected therein. You see, there are three things I really can't stand: idiots, poseurs, and idiot poseurs. They rankle me. It seriously bothers me that people without a basic rational understanding of logic can pretend to offer arguments.
This fellow Robert Crook, a blogger for Salon, makes the following arguments:
Cindy Sheehan is against the Iraq war.Her opinion is valid because her son died there.
Tammy Pruett supports the Iraq war.
Her opinion is invalid because her son did not die there.
Lets boil that down:
The prerequisite to having a valid opinion on the war in Iraq is the traumatic loss of a son in Iraq.
Given that Mr.Crook has not lost a son in Iraq, his argument invalidates his own opinion of the war in Iraq.
That, my friends, is the mental misfiring of an idiot poseur.
UPDATE: Charmaine's post, where Crook supporters are busy saying "HE DID NOT!"
Well, HE DID TOO:
Tammy [Pruett] can get back to us with what she thinks of Gee Dubya's Gulf War II if one of her immediate family members is killed.
Since my post about Deliverance went over so well, I thought I'd try to do a series of posts about the male-rape-by-hillbilly outre of movies. I thought you all might enjoy it, plus it would certainly boost the gayness rating of Jim's blog.
Folks, don't ever google the phrase "man rape movies." Just trust me on this one.
I'd originally posted this on
I was recently discussing dentist appointments with the guys at work one of them mentioned he'd rather have his nads waxed than go to the dentist. Dentist visits don’t bother me, maybe it’s that my dentist is an attractive lady or that most of her assistants have always been attractive women.
I'd defiantly take a trip to visit them over a nad waxing, especially after catching a couple of stray hairs in my zipper this morning.
Well, usually she does. Right now she's not feeling too happy about it.
In brief, Venomous Kate and her Venomous Hubby pinched the pocketbook to get her teeth fixed. Mere days before she was to receive her new pearly whites she had a bike accident and knocked out about half a score of teeth. She's now the proud owner of 6 grand worth of dental appliances that can't be used because of the new tooth loss and eight grand away from fixing the new mouthal problems.
This is very sad. When Kate smiles the blogosphere is a brighter place. If you'd like to help restore Electric Venom's bite just head on over to the Fang Fund.
Protomonkey has fresh content after (mumble mumble) days. Id posted an intriguing story about youthful professionalism and growing up really quickly.
Ryan rips into a gaybasher like Michael Moore into a table full of boiled crawdads.
Well...actually I guess the guy isn't a gaybasher. He's a speculative gaybasher.
A wannabe gaybasher?
Ah, hell. Just go read before I confuse you further.
Jen is just around the corner from her 200,000th visitor. Go say "Hi"* and click on a BlogAd while you're there.
* "Yo", "Hey there" and "Wazzzup!" are also acceptable.
RP is working the Hollywood cliché angle. Hop on over and let him know your favorites.
Rachel Ann is looking for a few good men.*
She's also looking for some guest bloggers to fill in while she galavants about Israel on a ten day family vacation. Interested? Of course you are!
* Dirty, dirty girl.
Okay, lame title. Anyway, here are Tiffani's responses to The Movie Memememe:
Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
Not very many…I probably own maybe 10. I just don’t see the point in it. I don’t like watching movies over and over again unless it’s a classic like “Pretty in Pink”.
The last film I bought:
American Pie or Fight Club It’s been so long I can’t remember.
The last film I watched:
Of the movies I bought? On HBO? Or at the Theater? I saw Monster in Law a couple of weeks ago. I took my daughter, her friend and my son. The girls didn’t want to be seen with me so they went and saw a different movie. I dragged my son to see that movie. Poor kid. Oh wait I take that back – I saw Dodge Ball the other day. Best one liners ever. Like…”you guys look like retards fucking a door knob” Classic…just classic.
Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me (in no particular order):
Oh…this is hard. I always draw a blank.
First and foremost. Grease. I absolutely love that movie. John was so hot. I even had the album. You know…with all the pictures. My girlfriends and I used to reenact the movie and sing on the top of our lungs. Good Times. Good Times.
Remember I am a product of the 80’s…St. Elmo’s Fire is one of my favorite movies. When it’s on – I just can’t turn it off. That's mortal sin in my book.
I can not count how many times I’ve seen Dumb and Dumber. I mean… it’s on TBS every freakin weekend. I’ll be flipping through the channels and stop to watch just a little bit of it and before you know it it’s over. Favorite part: MOCKING YEAH BIRD YEAH. Everybody have you heard. He's gonna buy me a mockingbird.
You're singing it now, aren’t you?
I’m a simple girl…I loved Finding Nemo. Ellen Degenerous was the best in that movie. I could watch it everyday.
Pulp Fiction – Great movie
I just went and checked for any posts that might have been forgotten on "Draft" and found this jem from December of last year.
The Zoomquilt.
(Hat tip to Dopple-G)
There's an excellent bit from the BBMRE* chronicled at Ramblings of an Ordinary.
* Big Book of Men's Room Etiquette
(Hat tip to Denise)
Stupid Jedi mind tricks!
(Found at Ryan's place)
Via The Corporate Mommy comes the Funniest Caption Ever. She also posts a reason why I don't want kids. For another reason to not have kids, read the Google cache for the first hit for this search.
(Full disclosure: Once I flushed a diaper down the toilet--this was in the 60's, which means it was a cloth diaper, not a disposable. My parents ended up having to have the lawn dug up to get the pipes fixed and I don't think they were too happy about that...and that, basically, is yet another reason why I don't want kids. That, and remembering the time I caught the curtains on fire.) (What it comes down to is it's self-preservation, man.)
He's probably trying to get back to his hotel. Only you can help him out!
(My best was 49 meters. Poor Jim is still asleep in the gutter.)
Then you've got to check out the newly redesigned IMAO. Catblogging taking to the Frankth degree.
He doesn't do it often but when he does it he does it sooo well.
At least that's what the chicks say.
I saw this a while ago and was reminded of it by Claire.
English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 93% Expert!
You have a godlike intellect. You are a beacon unto the idiot masses who should fall at your feet in humble supplication in the forlorn hope that your benediction will raise them from their ignorant stupor. Please contact me for possible chromosonal exchange. *Wink* *Wink*
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!
To take the test, *click*
Ah...English. It's like a second language to me.
The one for when somebody gets axed from their job because of their weblog? The name of the first person to get dumped on like that became the term for having it done to you. What's that word?
Well, whatever the hell the word is, it happened to 8 Z E R O 8. His is one of the blogs I found on that click exchange thing. What was the name of that thing? Damn, I'm bad with names today.
Anyway, he made it to the blogroll because he was funnier than me. For all of you who didn't know it, that's the only real requirement to get on my blogroll - just be more entertaining than me. Seriously, if I can entertain myself better than you can entertain me, what do I need you for? And remember, masturbation is entertainment so you have to be able to beat that. No pun intended.
Anywho...Somebody at his work ratted him out and they fired him. And that sucks big, huge amounts of vacuum.
Go visit, commiserate, spread the word, help him find a job, and click on his GoogleAds (no tipjar over there).
(Yanked from IMAO)
* Yes, I realize that the title has nothing to do with the entry. You try coming up with a title for a three word post.