Hello. What Shank doesn't know is that Jim (who originally blogged here and is now missing & presumed employed) gave six people rights to post here while he was on vacation -- let's call them The Snooze Crew™ -- and I was one of those six.

He never revoked that right. And now I see Shank has put out a request for co-bloggers, not knowing he already has some!

There's a lesson in there, somewhere.

So. I think I'm gonna post here every now and then, mostly because I think it'll annoy Shank. And maybe Jim, but I'm ready to take that risk. It's possible I'll see my rights revoked Real Soon Now, but until that happens, enjoy this clip from the old Johnny Cash Show:

And just so you know: I don't really want to annoy Jim, because he's a good guy.

Since I've got absolutely nothing and haven't had anything for about three months, here's something from PJ O'Rourke that's like 30 years old from National Lampoon whereby PJ rips into foreigners. It's titled Foreigners Around the World - A Brief Survey of the Various Foreigners, Their Chief Characteristics, Customs, and Manners.

Here's a taste but read the whole thing. It's brutally funny. I don't know how he got away with this except it was National Lampoon and it was the 70's.

GERMANS
Racial Characteristics:
Piggish-looking, sadomasochistic automatons whose only known forms of relaxation are swilling watery beer from vast tubs and singing the idiotically repetitive verses of their porcine folk tune-both of which amusements probably hark back to a prehuman state. Germans have never been successfully Christianized. Their language lacks any semblance of civilized speech. Their usual diet consists almost wholly of old cabbage and sections of animal intestines filled with blood and gore. Once every two or three decades, they set forth, lemming-like, on pointless military adventures during which great numbers of them are slaughtered-much to the improvement Of the world in general. Their lardy women have long, tangled masses of sticky hair under their arms, and the men shave the sides of their heads.

Proper Form of Address:
Kraut, Hun, Heiny, spike-head, sausage-breath.

Enjoy!

Have you ever read a story and had no real idea of what was going on? I have.

WTF was that Twenty?

Until we get around to posting something worthwhile, which, to be honest, isn't slated to happen until sometime in early '08; I offer up a blog for your review. A close associate of mine has traded in her cushy job, her Arlington high-rise apartment, and all the associated conveniences of young professional big-city livin' for a ten year old Volvo station wagon and a year on the open road.

She sums it all up pretty well:
"Graduated from college. Worked for a year in DC. Have decided to chuck it all (except health care) for a road trip. Cue the Sound of Music opening montage."

So go, read, leave comments, LIVE VICARIOUSLY!

If I hadn't been so busy lately, I would have posted something like this recently. From Iowahawk:

In the back yard of scientific researchings behind the Great Storage Shed of the People, Iowahawk scientists successfully conducted above-ground nuclear missile test explosions under secure and many malt liquor conditions on early hours of October 10, 2006, at a stirring time when alarm clocks of the neighborhood have yet to clangle.

What really sucks is I can get my hands on all manner of pyrotechnic jubilation just across the border in South Carolina. Hey, I guess they figured if it was going to be legal to fuck your cousin, you might as well be able to purchase high explosives at a roadside stand.

Oh, and also of note...

This is a prime example of why I hate people. Whenever I try to help someone it turns out exactly like this.

Margi is home after freeing the Peanut from captivity. The little fella has already made his bloggy debut!

Head on over there and gush a bit.

Man, it's crowded around here at Chez Snooze. Jim moved the Snooze Crew out of the guest bedrooms and into the bathroom and living room. I'm under the sink, living inside the cabinet like a rat.

Appropriate, eh? Here's a picture of a rat sleeping in better accomodations than what Jim has given us:

Anyway, I'd like to give a warm Snooze Crew welcome to Paul and Shank, except I won't. Paul snores and Shank pisses Jen off sometimes. He *claims* she likes it, but I know better. Good thing he hasn't attacked Susie or it'd really be war.

Also, did anyone else notice Paul is one of the gay James Bonds instead of Sean Connery?

UPDATE: I do believe I owe shank an apology. He has commented:

Ya know, I've always wondered if Paul was a little..feshnickit. I mean, all this metrosexual, drinking martinis and reading books shit. If I didn't know he was a scotch drinker, I'd swear he was an asspirate.

But be warned: Don't ever make Susie cry!

Phin has bbq'd Frank.

Mmmmm....North Carolina pulled pork. I bet if we ask real nice, and offer him a case of beer, Phin'd give us his vinegar sauce recipe.

Rachel Ann has a little comment quiz today. My answer ended up way too big for a comment section so I'm posting it here. This way has a side benefit - maybe some of y'all can head over to Rachel's place so she gets more participation.

Here are my answers to her questions:

1.PETA--what is the first image that comes to your mind hearing the name?
Domestic terrorism.

2.How do you react emotionally?
Generally with disgust.

3.Do you agree or disagree with PETA's overall message?
Do they even have an overall message? Some of their specific messages, like handing out buckets of blood and comic books saying "Mommy murders dogs", leave me relatively speechless.

4.Do you agree or disagree with how PETA presents that message?
You could safely classify me as part of the "disagree" group.

5.Are (or were) you a vegetarian?
No. I thoroughly enjoy meat in all of its delicious variety.

6.Do you own any pets?
Um...yeah. The current pet count is 14. 7 of those are of the dog and/or cat variety. The rest are decorative - birds and fish and suchlike.

7.What rights over animals do you think humans should have?
All of them.

8.Is experimentation on animals always wrong? Sometimes wrong? And if permissable when, what types of experiments, and how should they be conducted?
No, experimentation on animals isn't wrong. It is necessary for scientific advances and to promote certain economic factors. That said, I use Aussie hair products partially because they don't do animal testing. I'm happy to support a cosmetics company that goes through the expense of alternative product testing. That is MY choice as a consumer.

9. To what uses can we put animals? (Pets only, aide animals etc.)
Animals should be put to whatever use can be found for them. Pets, farm animals, food source, guide dogs, helper monkeys, medical and biological testing. Whatever works.

10. Including PETA, what animal rights groups (if any) do you support?
I don't support PETA in any way, shape or form. They are reprehensible. Come to think of it, I don't support any animal rights groups. Animals don't have rights. I do support our local animal shelters.

Summary:

All of that above makes me look like I torture bunnies for the fun of it. That is completely untrue. I torture bunnies for the large cash rewards.

Heh. Just kidding, it really is just for the fun of it.

There I go again. Serious now...

Animals are not people. They do not have rights. However, people do have the responsibility to care for an animal when they accept that burden. If you get a pet you have the responsibility to care for that pet. It is the dog's owner who is responsible for making sure that dog doesn't bite a kid. It is also that dog owner's responsibility to feed and shelter the dog. The way that a person (or a company, for that matter) cares for his animals says a world about him.

PETA disgusts me on many levels. They are so over the top with propaganda and bald-faced lies that it amazes me when otherwise intelligent people fall for their bullshit. They openly give money to ELF, a known terroristic organization. They promote illegal action by their members. They encourage assault and sabotage. I do not for the life of me understand how they have escapted federal prosecution on racketeering and domestic terrorism charges.

PETA animal shelters are not no-kill shelters. Isn't that the height of hypocrisy? PETA shelters in Florida kill more animals every year than all other shelters in Florida combined. Instead of finding homes for animals they spend millions of dollars on child propaganda every year. They truly disgust me.

But time enough to give birthday wishes to Jen and Harvey. And for Harvey, a little something special.

Victor here because Jim is ignoring his blog again. And since he was so thrilled with the results of the last test I took for him, I decided to do another one for him, by using the Very Scientifical method of just clicking on whatever the hell I feel like. Today, we learn which Classic Leading Lady good ol' Jim would make. It's in the extended entry, but I'll give you a hint: Mommie Dearest.

Flaptrap is dead. Long live the Voluntary Redneck!

Something shiny!

This has been bugging me. Not Ilyka's post itself, but rather the topic dissected therein. You see, there are three things I really can't stand: idiots, poseurs, and idiot poseurs. They rankle me. It seriously bothers me that people without a basic rational understanding of logic can pretend to offer arguments.

This fellow Robert Crook, a blogger for Salon, makes the following arguments:

Cindy Sheehan is against the Iraq war.

Her opinion is valid because her son died there.

Tammy Pruett supports the Iraq war.

Her opinion is invalid because her son did not die there.

Lets boil that down:

The prerequisite to having a valid opinion on the war in Iraq is the traumatic loss of a son in Iraq.

Given that Mr.Crook has not lost a son in Iraq, his argument invalidates his own opinion of the war in Iraq.

That, my friends, is the mental misfiring of an idiot poseur.

UPDATE: Charmaine's post, where Crook supporters are busy saying "HE DID NOT!"

Well, HE DID TOO:

Tammy [Pruett] can get back to us with what she thinks of Gee Dubya's Gulf War II if one of her immediate family members is killed.

Pixy thinks it was spammers.

I have a different theory.

Since my post about Deliverance went over so well, I thought I'd try to do a series of posts about the male-rape-by-hillbilly outre of movies. I thought you all might enjoy it, plus it would certainly boost the gayness rating of Jim's blog.

Folks, don't ever google the phrase "man rape movies." Just trust me on this one.

I'd originally posted this on my blog and since I'm sure Jim's legions of fans are itching for a post, much like heroin addicts waiting for their next boost of smack, I figured I'd share.

I was recently discussing dentist appointments with the guys at work one of them mentioned he'd rather have his nads waxed than go to the dentist. Dentist visits don’t bother me, maybe it’s that my dentist is an attractive lady or that most of her assistants have always been attractive women.

I'd defiantly take a trip to visit them over a nad waxing, especially after catching a couple of stray hairs in my zipper this morning.

Well, usually she does. Right now she's not feeling too happy about it.

In brief, Venomous Kate and her Venomous Hubby pinched the pocketbook to get her teeth fixed. Mere days before she was to receive her new pearly whites she had a bike accident and knocked out about half a score of teeth. She's now the proud owner of 6 grand worth of dental appliances that can't be used because of the new tooth loss and eight grand away from fixing the new mouthal problems.

This is very sad. When Kate smiles the blogosphere is a brighter place. If you'd like to help restore Electric Venom's bite just head on over to the Fang Fund.

Protomonkey has fresh content after (mumble mumble) days. Id posted an intriguing story about youthful professionalism and growing up really quickly.

Ryan rips into a gaybasher like Michael Moore into a table full of boiled crawdads.

Well...actually I guess the guy isn't a gaybasher. He's a speculative gaybasher.

A wannabe gaybasher?

Ah, hell. Just go read before I confuse you further.

Jen is just around the corner from her 200,000th visitor. Go say "Hi"* and click on a BlogAd while you're there.

* "Yo", "Hey there" and "Wazzzup!" are also acceptable.

RP is working the Hollywood cliché angle. Hop on over and let him know your favorites.

Rachel Ann is looking for a few good men.*

She's also looking for some guest bloggers to fill in while she galavants about Israel on a ten day family vacation. Interested? Of course you are!

* Dirty, dirty girl.

Okay, lame title. Anyway, here are Tiffani's responses to The Movie Memememe:

Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
Not very many…I probably own maybe 10. I just don’t see the point in it. I don’t like watching movies over and over again unless it’s a classic like “Pretty in Pink�.

The last film I bought:
American Pie or Fight Club It’s been so long I can’t remember.

The last film I watched:
Of the movies I bought? On HBO? Or at the Theater? I saw Monster in Law a couple of weeks ago. I took my daughter, her friend and my son. The girls didn’t want to be seen with me so they went and saw a different movie. I dragged my son to see that movie. Poor kid. Oh wait I take that back – I saw Dodge Ball the other day. Best one liners ever. Like…�you guys look like retards fucking a door knob� Classic…just classic.

Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me (in no particular order):
Oh…this is hard. I always draw a blank.

First and foremost. Grease. I absolutely love that movie. John was so hot. I even had the album. You know…with all the pictures. My girlfriends and I used to reenact the movie and sing on the top of our lungs. Good Times. Good Times.

Remember I am a product of the 80’s…St. Elmo’s Fire is one of my favorite movies. When it’s on – I just can’t turn it off. That's mortal sin in my book.

I can not count how many times I’ve seen Dumb and Dumber. I mean… it’s on TBS every freakin weekend. I’ll be flipping through the channels and stop to watch just a little bit of it and before you know it it’s over. Favorite part: MOCKING YEAH BIRD YEAH. Everybody have you heard. He's gonna buy me a mockingbird.

You're singing it now, aren’t you?

I’m a simple girl…I loved Finding Nemo. Ellen Degenerous was the best in that movie. I could watch it everyday.

Pulp Fiction – Great movie

I just went and checked for any posts that might have been forgotten on "Draft" and found this jem from December of last year.

The Zoomquilt.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

There's an excellent bit from the BBMRE* chronicled at Ramblings of an Ordinary.

* Big Book of Men's Room Etiquette

(Hat tip to Denise)

Stupid Jedi mind tricks!

(Found at Ryan's place)

Via The Corporate Mommy comes the Funniest Caption Ever. She also posts a reason why I don't want kids. For another reason to not have kids, read the Google cache for the first hit for this search.

(Full disclosure: Once I flushed a diaper down the toilet--this was in the 60's, which means it was a cloth diaper, not a disposable. My parents ended up having to have the lawn dug up to get the pipes fixed and I don't think they were too happy about that...and that, basically, is yet another reason why I don't want kids. That, and remembering the time I caught the curtains on fire.) (What it comes down to is it's self-preservation, man.)

He's probably trying to get back to his hotel. Only you can help him out!

(My best was 49 meters. Poor Jim is still asleep in the gutter.)

Then you've got to check out the newly redesigned IMAO. Catblogging taking to the Frankth degree.

He doesn't do it often but when he does it he does it sooo well.

At least that's what the chicks say.

Go see.

I saw this a while ago and was reminded of it by Claire.

English Genius

You scored 100% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 93% Expert!

You have a godlike intellect. You are a beacon unto the idiot masses who should fall at your feet in humble supplication in the forlorn hope that your benediction will raise them from their ignorant stupor. Please contact me for possible chromosonal exchange. *Wink* *Wink*

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

To take the test, *click*

Ah...English. It's like a second language to me.

The one for when somebody gets axed from their job because of their weblog? The name of the first person to get dumped on like that became the term for having it done to you. What's that word?

Well, whatever the hell the word is, it happened to 8 Z E R O 8. His is one of the blogs I found on that click exchange thing. What was the name of that thing? Damn, I'm bad with names today.

Anyway, he made it to the blogroll because he was funnier than me. For all of you who didn't know it, that's the only real requirement to get on my blogroll - just be more entertaining than me. Seriously, if I can entertain myself better than you can entertain me, what do I need you for? And remember, masturbation is entertainment so you have to be able to beat that. No pun intended.

Anywho...Somebody at his work ratted him out and they fired him. And that sucks big, huge amounts of vacuum.

Go visit, commiserate, spread the word, help him find a job, and click on his GoogleAds (no tipjar over there).

Do Not Press

(Yanked from IMAO)

* Yes, I realize that the title has nothing to do with the entry. You try coming up with a title for a three word post.

It looks like PayPal is finally getting some competition. GreenZap is now taking pre-registrations for their Summer 2005 launch. Pre-register now and your account will start with a $25 balance.

Better yet, pre-register through the link above and I'll get a $5 referral bonus too! Woo hoo!

Even without the free start-up and referral cash I'm keen on a non-eBay-owned money transfer system. And since they're just starting up there's the side bonus of 100% less phishing, account theft and fraudulent emails compared to your eBay account. Can't beat that with a stick.

To make ammends for my earlier posting?

No?

Well then let me tell the world (or at least the 60% of the world that reads Jim's site) about the amazing eBay challenge. Anyone can enter (provided you have an Bay seller account) and the closing date for entries is the 26th April.

Basic intro can be found here and you may wish to peruse the rules.

Rob (XSet.co.uk)

Have I also mentioned lately how annoying I find some of you?
Not to mention obnoxious and irritating??
Yeah,needed to be said,sorry.:-)
LW

What movies have made you hyper-macho manly guys cry (since the age of 12 or so, besides Old Yeller)? Or at least watery-eyed, if not out-and-out bawling?

C'mon, don't be shy, let's show the ladies that there really are sensitive men out there!

And ladies, if your men are too ashamed to admit so, how about enlightening us with some of your hunky mate's tearjerking moments?

I'll tell you some of mine if you tell me some of yours:

Ok, fine, I'll stop with the French.

Do you ever wonder what people are thinking when they steal someone's cellphone and then stick it up their vagina? Yeah, I do, I also wonder what happens next... do they then whistle to try and cover up the *bring* from their no-no region?

What were they going to do once they got home with the thing, were they going to use it to call their friends? Sell it? Give it as a gift? Let their friends borrow it and then say "You're talking into my twat!" then laugh hysterically?

I could probably go on for hours in this vein, but I'll let someone post, and just sign off saying "Happy Snoozebob Day!".

Oh, I almost forgot the inevitable whoring

Technically, this isn't francophile - more germophile (hmm... I like that word).

I just want to make sure that everyone gets to share in the phenomenon that is Schnappi - the small Egyptian crocodile that's taking Germany (and Rob) by storm!

Check out his single, and then the remixes...

NB: Dafyd* does not claim any reponsability for any loss of sanity incurred by listening to Schnappi. Listen at your own risk.

*Here there be whoring

I had one of those days yesterday where, if it was a movie, you would have laughed your ass off. Instead, it was real and you came this close to turning off the safety on that AK you keep in your bottom desk drawer.

I came into the office at 7am. Got situated and walked out my door to get a drink from down the hall. As soon as I step outside my office, the woman who ALWAYS bugs me about my ID badge is standing there: "You GOTTA wear that badge." I push out something resembling a laugh, but really, I wanted to cry - the blasted water fountain is fifteen feet from my door. It was the equivalent of the observation that somebody's got a case of the Mondays.

I get back to the office and realize I don't have the keys to unlock the file cabinet under my desk. Crap. I walk to the car, no keys. Check my shoulder bag, no keys. I sit there for a few minutes and decide to break the lock on the filing cabinet. The cabinet is one of those modular deals that slides out from the desk, but it sits on a little wooden frame. So I pull it out from under the desk, and it slides off the wooden frame. Crap. The thing weighs like 80lbs, so I have to squat and lift it fromt he floor back onto the frame. In all the heaving and hoing, I eventually get it back on the base and under the desk. Which is when I realize that in all that grunting, I had COMPLETELY forgotten to pop the lock off. Crap. Again. And it's not even 8:30am.

So, I pull it back out and it of course slides off it's base. Incidentally, it sliced my finger at the cuticle too; insuring that I was indeed completely awake at this point. So I wrap my wound in a napkin and secure it with a little scotch tape (office first aid, I earned that merit badge at the management retreat last fall). I pull the panel off the top of the cabinet, remove the cotter pin that holds the lock in place, punch the lcok core out, and release the lever locking all the drawers in place. With all this racket, I was beginning to draw the attention of a few passers-by.

I lift the heavy bastard back on it's base and slide everything under my desk. I'm sweating. That's when I get a call from one of the nursing units. Apparently a pipe above them in the hematology room had busted, and salt water was leaking through the ceiling onto people, computers, and filling light fixtures. It was like that all day yesterday.

shank

And so I have tried very hard to ensure this post is neither french or spammy ...

(Rob from XSet)

Results: Pylorns has posted the answers. The only one that nobody got was #3, Gold Finger. Here are the folks who won points (1 per each correct answer):

Helen: #5 and #9
Tiffani: #4
tommy: #2, #6 and #8
Rob: #10
Clancy: #1 and #7

Ok I'll let Jim award the points when I get back. 10 movie quotes for your guessing enjoyment. And don't google them or I'll come to your house and take a dump on the hood of your car. Name the movie, and preferably the actor that said it.

1. "You're crazy man, I like you, but your crazy."

2. "We get caught laundering money, we're not going to a white collar resort prison, we're going to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison."

3. "Run along now dear, Man talk."

4. "...high school hasn't changed. There's still that one teacher who marches to her own drummer. Those girls are still there, the ones that, even as you grow up, will remain the most beautiful girls you have ever seen close up. The smart kids, who everyone else knew as 'the brains,' but I just knew them as my soul mates, my teachers, my friends. And there's still that one guy with his mysterious confidence who seems so perfect in every way. The guy you get up and go to school for in the morning. ... High school would not have been the same without him. I would not be the same without him. I lived a lifetime of regret after my first high school experience." (girls you'll get this one quick)

5. "Um, ok. That's the little boys' room and that's the little girls' room. Where are you going? Going to the mens' room." (my fav movie)

6. "Oh, now be honest, Captain. Warrior to warrior. You do prefer it this way, don't you, as it was meant to be. No peace in our time. Once more unto the breach, dear friends."

7. "A-B-C A-Always. B-Be. C-Closing. Always be closing. Always be closing!!"

8. "I've got a lot of fond memories of that dog."

9. "I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm just crewman number six. I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove the situation is serious. I gotta get out."

10. "Hey Terrorists, Terrorize this!"

-pylorns
http://www.wetwired.org

I finally got a chance to ruin Jim's blog a bit and then nothing comes up.Total brain fart.
Yaaaawn......I think I'll go back to bed.
Happy Snoozebob day everyone!
LW
flaptrap.mu.nu

I can't believe it...Now I've had a chance to live the impossible dream! A post in Jim's blog! My life is now complete....Wait....that was the morning constitutional on the toilet that did it... Mitzi

I knew there was something I forgot. What's the absolute worst thing that a guy can forget? Yeah, that's right. An anniversary.

Not mine, of course. That's tattooed on my forehead in backward numbers like an ecnalubma so I'm reminded of it every time I look in the mirror. Safety first, yo.

No, I meant to post a happy anniversary post for Harvey and Smiling Dynamite. I even had a made up fairy tale story in the works about how Harvey the Troll kidnapped the beautiful Princess Dynamite and forced her to choose between marrying him or a Frenchman and then she kicked the shit out of him but then felt sorry for him and married him after all and they all lived happily ever after. With pictures in there too - that's what was planned.

So anyway, happy anniversary!

(6 years she's been married to Harvey, y'all. Every woman who reads this should go thank her for that 6 years of peace.)

There will be one interview post per day as I interview the lucky five folks who responded the fastest in this post. Today's interviewee is Rob from XSet, the only man in the world who's spent considerable time in my templates and has tweaked my CSS:

1) What was your last brush with greatness?

2) If you could have any superpower what would it be? How would you use it? How would you mis-use it?

3) What sport shouldn't be in the Olympics?

4) What was the last thing you were really looking forward to that ended up not being at all what you'd expected or hoped for?

5) What are the best and worst things about living on an island?

Rob, to continue the game you need to snag the rules from my original post and answer these at your place. I'll link to your post when you get it up.

UPDATE: Rob posted his answers!

My semi-whenever foray into some of the best stuff saved in the dark recesses of my newsreader.

Graphical Truth discloses the humorous side of a recent Intelligent Design / Creationism tussle.

You know what they say about free advice? Well ignore that while you check out generic's Helpful hints from somebody who's led a long life.

Paul has the wackiest adventures. Even furniture shopping takes on interesting twists when he's involved.

Kate (who's feeling much better though not completely better) recently had her second blogversary. In this post she explains how she learned to stop worrying and love her blog.

I always thought that PETA hated kids. Now I know they do. Joanne Jacobs hits an article showing that kids need meat to develop normally.

What kind of school ignores a specifically targetted murder threat by its students on another one of its students? Kimberly Swygert has the scoop.

(Snagged from Autumnal Fire)

The Showcase is a place for new blogs to show off their stuff. This week's edition features posts from nine fine young blogs.

GBfan of Spotted Horse brings us More fun with PBS and our tax dollars. Amtrak, our government subsidized rail company is a financial disaster requiring huge annual influxes of tax dollars. They are also the proud sponsors of PBS's Thomas the Tank Engine.

From Tom at Pooklekufr: The Kafir Constitutionalist we have A Brief Criticism of the Iraqi Interim Constitution.

Atlas (aka Pamela) of Atlas Shrugged submits Pamela's Weekend Recap: The Chicken Came First. Pamela answers the age old question of what came first, the blog or the blogger (and why).

Next up at A Weekend Warrior On A Rant!, the Commanded Citizen relates a wonderful little story about a bright young couple: A Young, American Bride Celebrates Her FREEDOM!

Chris Byrne of The AnarchAngel talks about his beliefs as to what the legitimate form and purpose of government are in The Politics of Liberty.

The Squib is celebrating: Coming soon to a protest near you -- Klingon pain sticks!

Ward Churchill and Gloria Steinem -- separated at birth! Sounds fantastical but Nick Weber of Libertarian Librarian makes the case.

Simon Cowell on poetry? Nope, it's Nicholas Liu of Better Living Through Buttermilk waxing the poets with Waffled through the turgid wood and blurbled as they came.

melinama of Pratie Place is a young blogger but she's got some wise advice in her post Mutuality. Unfortunately, Blogger's comment system is pooched at the moment so I couldn't put a link to Kevin Aylward's Standalone Trackback on her post. Try it out, melinama, I think you'll like it.

Next week's host is our own Mookie. Do you have a weblog that's three months young or less and want to be a part of it? Just send an email to showcase.carnival@gmail.com with the following info:

• The name of your blog
• The title of the post
• The url of the post
• Your name

Alternate entry (and doesn't that sound deliciously naughty?) may be made at the Multi-Carnival Entry Form.

Catch previous Showcases and volunteer to host new ones at the Showcase Home.

This is the last interview for the lucky five folks who responded the fastest in this post. Today's interviewee is Sims addict and certified MILF Margi (that's a hard "G", like in "Legs") Lowry:

1) What would you host a cable tv program about?

2) What movies do you know by heart?

3) When did you realize that life really isn't fair and when did you realize that that's okay?

4) The Sims - enlightened escapism or crack for non-druggies?

5) When did you first realize that you were in love?

Margi, to continue the game you need to snag the rules from my original post and answer these at your place. I'll link to your post when you get it up.

UPDATE: Margi's answers are up!

There will be one interview post per day as I interview the lucky five folks who responded the fastest in this post. Today's interviewee is my favorite ex-pat in Israel, Rachel Ann from Willowgreen:

1) What tasks would you most like to have an army of trained monkeys (not "The Monkey") do for you?

2) What's the most bizarre thing to happen to you lately?

3) If you had one moment to do over, to either change the outcome or savor the moment again, which moment would it be?

4) What does Israel need to do to ensure its prosperity and security?

5) What's your idea of a romantic evening?

Rachel Ann, to continue the game you need to snag the rules from my original post and answer these at your place. I'll link to your post when you get it up.

Update: Rachel Ann has posted her answers.

There will be one interview post per day as I interview the lucky five folks who responded the fastest in this post. Today's interviewee is my very own blogdaughter Tiffani from Breakfast With Tiffani:

1) Who's your daddy?

2) What cartoon would you go live in for a week?

3) If you could create a new tradition, what would it be and why?

4) What do you do with your spare change?

5) What sense has the greatest sensual effect on you? We want details here.

Tiffani, to continue the game you need to snag the rules from my original post and answer these at your place. I'll link to your post when you get it up.

UDPATE: Tiffani has posted her answers. Warning - 18 and over only. Wakka wakka.

I'm hosting the New Blog Showcase the week of March 21. If you've got a blog that's three months old or younger, send me a link to your best post. It will appear in the Showcase where it will be seen by millions of people who will then fall in love with your writing and launch you to fame and glory.

Here's the info you should send:

• The name of your blog
• The title of the post
• The url of the post
• Your name

A brief description of the post or a narrative blurb is also a good idea. It makes my job easier and anything that makes my job easier is a good idea.

Another good idea is to use a subject like "New Blog Showcase submission" on the email so it's easier to separate from the mountains of spam.

Send your submission to showcase.carnival@gmail.com by Sunday, 7PM EST to be included in next week's edition of the showcase.

You can also use the handy dandy Carnival Submit Form in lieu of email. We're listed as the "Showcase Carnival" there.

You can find links to previous carnivals here.

There will be one interview post per day as I interview the lucky five folks who responded the fastest to this post. Today's interviewee is the lovely and talented Holly from RavenRose Yawns:

1) What was it about blogging that first attracted you to the milieu? What kept you?

2) What words do people commonly misuse that drive you crazy?

3) What is the best and most uplifting story you've read recently?

4) If you had two weeks of free time with no responsibilities and no cash-flow issues, what would you do?

5) What event would you have most liked to have witnessed first hand?

Holly, you can answer these here or at your place. If you do it over there make sure to send me a trackback or comment so I'll know where to find it.

Update: Holly has posted her answers. You go now!

Yet another reason why I do so seriously kick ass. When the zombie invasion comes I'll be a survivor.

Flock to me children, I will lead you to salvation. Or at least a relatively brain-free diet.

Official Survivor!
You scored 65%!

Whether through ferocity or quickness, you made it out. You made the right choice most of the time, but you probably screwed up somewhere. Nobody's perfect, at least you're alive.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 90% on survivalpoints.

The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test

(Hat tip to A Small Victory)

Had a busy day yesterday burning stuff and the shots knocked me for a loop. Slept bad, got up late, walked around like a zombie, farted a lot, pooped 3 times.

In other words, I didn't do any blogging this morning.

But fear not, there is something for everyone over at The Bestofme Symphony.

There's still a point contest open too. Last chance to submit your gravestone humor. Winner gets selected later today.

Anita's son is having a problem in math class. He does complex division problems correctly in his head but his teacher isn't looking for the answer, she's looking for long division. She wants to see the work between the question and the answer.

This is a touchy subject for me. I was exactly the same as her son with long division. I did it in my head lickety split and got the correct answer in a fraction of the time. My teacher enlisted my mother and forced me to go through long division, the very same situation that Anita and her son are in right now.

Why use long division?

The rote answer is "you need to know the process". Why? We use a process that works. We get the correct answer faster. We also get the correct answer more reliably. Long division is only a regressive loop of simple division problems. An error at any step yields a wrong answer. What is wrong with our process?

Absolutely nothing. It is superior to long division in efficiency and accuracy. The problem is that only a fraction of students can do division this way so it is not permitted in school. This is lowest-common-denominator instruction at its worst. Hold back the advanced students to the limits of the generic lesson plan. It is incredibly frustrating to somebody who is being thrashed with it.

I despised my math teacher after the long division debacle and my opinion of my mother went down several notches as well. My "math sense" went way down and I started hating math class, formerly my favorite subject. I got fed up to the point where I forcibly rejected long division. I spent months unlearning the method that had been hammered into my brain and relearning my method. Once I'd removed the taint and returned to my method the problems went away and I enjoyed math class again.

A few years later I was placed in an advanced self-paced math program. The guide/teacher not only acknowledged fragmented division (the name he gave to my particular method) but promoted it. Do a Google search for "long division in my head" and you'll see just how common this is.

My advice to Anita? Don't force your son to lose his process. Educate the educator. If she can't be brought around to the fact that there is more than one way to do division then you face a very tough choice. Maybe he can use his method to get the answer and then use long division to provide the proof. That will frustrate him too, but not as much as having to abandon his method.

When it all comes down to it though it's about education and not grades. He has the education part covered and it's superior to what the teacher is trying to impose. I'd rather have that and an "F" than to go through what I went through.

(Click for big size.)

Remember the Tombstone Generator?

This looks like the perfect opportunity for a points contest. The bumpersticker one didn't work too well because you had to do a lot of picture manipulation to save it. This one pops up as a jpg you can save directly. So here's the dealy-o:

Make a tombstone (or multiple ones if you want - hell, it's a free country) and post it on your blog. Trackback to this post to enter. If you don't have a workable trackback, use the standalone trackback or comment here with the url of your post. If you don't have a blog of your own just make a tombstone and email it to me.

This contest will be open until next Monday. Multi-points will be awarded, like in a caption contest.

(Reminded of this wondrous toy by 21st Century Paladin, whose site I can no longer comment at because it thinks I'm a spammer and this makes me very sad. If all of the real spammers were dead I wouldn't run into these problems all over the damn place from people trying to protect themselves from spammers. So kill a spammer to make me happy. I'll even give you 5 points.)

Remember that little inquisition interview of Frank's that I did? Well he's gone and posted links to the interviews of bloggers that participated. And over in this second post he linked to all of the ones who participated who he really doesn't like missed the first time.

There's some fun stuff there. Sarcasm is candy to the well fed blogger.

Incidentally, did you notice how Frank linked my entry? Here, let me quote it for you: "Jim Peacock, fellow intemperate humorist, takes a stab." Yeah, that's right. Frank said I was a fellow intemperate humorist. I've been elevated to the peerage. In Frankspeak he's saying that I'm as good or better than he is and is asking all of his readers to switch over to my blog.

Of course now I'll be forced to wade through hundreds of comments on every post with readers fighting to say "First" for every entry. No such thing as a free lunch and all that. I can handle it though - I'm intemperate, after all.

Here's your big chance to share the love. Phillip Coons needs your help to make Delusional Duck the successful multi-poster newsblog it wants to be.

Participation is incredibly easy. Just create an account and you've got posting power. The article entry form is clear and well laid out - just put the link, source, news blurb and your comments in the correct boxes and they come out the other side all Ducky. That is to say, formatted nicely in the Delusional Duck format.

Like Phil says, "If the article you post interests you, chances are it will interest our other readers as well."

Go for it!

March has two of my favorite holidays.

First is the male version of Valentine's Day. On March 14 we welcome with open arms and legs Steak and BJ Day! This is the wonderful day when the ladies can show their fellas how much they appreciate all of the time, effort and cashola that they expend for the give-your-gal-a-gift-days. And it is so easy! Just treat your fella to a nice steak and then fellate his stake. There's still time to get involved with Michele's fellatio haiku contest.

On March 15 we welcome Eat An Animal For PETA Day. This festive event pays reverse tribute to America's biggest homegrown terrorist group by consuming vast quantities of animalia. Fire up the barbie and eat an animal for PETA!

Clancy put up a teaser post. A "got news, tell ya later" thingy.

I'm not patient enough. I want to know the news now. So, y'all go over there and take a guess at what the news is. The first commenter with the correct news wins 5 points. Anybody who makes coffee come out of my nose will also get points.

Sorry, Clancy. You're sort of excluded from this contest.

Contest is open until Clancy posts the big reveal.

Just to be clear - make your guesses at his place. It's more irritating that way. ;-)

Okay, so I lied about the peanuts. The other two are the honest truth though. Go see the New Blog Carnival Showcase Extravaganza Supreme Delicio (#2) to be amazed and delighted.

And bring peanuts.

What's your squirrel name?

Frighteningly enough, my alterego's name comes up as General Dangleberry. What are the odds that my given name and a psychotic made-up name would end up so similarly in squirrelese?

(Hat tip to Nibbles Fluffycheeks)

My irregular posting of some of the best stuff I've read recently.

Not So Sweet - Tre explores the recent history of sweetener, and gives out the grand secret of how to eat sweet without getting cancer or the mange.

Snot Rockets in Costa Rica - Flibby's vacation is going ... well. That's "well" as in a big empty hole in the ground, of course.

Congress shall make no law... - Claire speaks out on censorship, the federally mandated kind.

TiVo Customer Support - 8ZERO8 has an encounter of the automated kind.

Oh, I guess I don't. - Everything you ever wanted to know about Tiffany? Well, here's your chance to ask her.

Just got back from Atlanta... - Annette and family have found a house. The ranks of the voluntary southerners is increasing!

WAAAAAH! I NEVER GET ANY TRAFFIC! - This could be the coolest thing since the shortlived MemeBlog. Harvey has found a place that makes submitting your posts to the various carnivals as easy as 1, 2, 3.

Of a website, I mean. According to Organic HTML, that is. See?

(Click for big size)

Lovely Wife's site is elegant and tall, with stylish accents. Hmmm...that's a pretty accurate description.

(Click for big size)

And mine? Well, it's a bit short with a rather prominent phallic element. Damned accurate, this thing is.

(Click for big size)

(Hat tip to Tre, who'll be on my blogroll whenever I get around to updating it.)

Found at Why Television Sucks - A do it yourself bumpersticker maker. Ah, what fun!

Here's a nice topical one:

One we'd all love to use but wouldn't have the balls:

A venerable classic revisited:

And a couple dedicated to everybody's least favorite socialist:

See what you can come up with and trackback to this post (or direct me to your post in the comments here if you fear trackbacks). Best stickers will win some points next Wednesday.

I found this over at LeeAnn's Cheesy Castle of Doom ^(TM). Ralex Whitlock (what sort of name is "Ralex" anyway?*) made a list of ten things that he thinks bloggers do wrong. A list of common failings, if you will. LeeAnn did a self-analysis against the list and, since I'm nothing if not a slave to rule number 1, I have too:

1. Only link to what we've already read and only say what we've already heard.
Nah. A goodly bit of my stuff is original and I don't go around parroting people via links.

2. False modesty.
False modesty? Moi? Hehe. Hahaha. Mwah hah hah hah hah!!
Um...no.

3. Clearing the archives.
Nope again. All of my tripe is out there for your enjoyment. Actually it would be a great benefit and increase usability quite a bit if bloggers (like me) cleaned out half of the garbage in their archives.

The SuperSoaker flamethrower.

Don't be the last kid in your neighborhood to get one!

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Still at a loss for what to get that special someone on this most important of Hallmark Holidays? Just remember the prime directive of gift giving maxims:

Flowers say "I'm sorry", chocolate says "I love you".

Or if you want to go on the cheap, reading material always works well. Send hubby or hubbette to the New Blog Carnival Showcase Extravaganza or to the venerable classic The Best of Me Symphony.

Heh. I define "bait and switch". Worship me, marketers of yore.

My irregular posting on the best stuff I've read lately.

Kathleen does the first anti-fisking I've ever seen. She takes terror apologist Ward Churchill over the coals in spectacular fashion.

Gary Cruse comments on evil. Is evil a face of humanity or something truly beyond our understanding?

Another one from The Owner's Manual. Gary found this incredible time suck: The Baby Name Wizard. You have got to go play with this thing.

Is hazing wrong? Ilyka comments on a recent case of Marines caught pinning. That's where they stick a Marine's new medals on his chest by sticking them into his chest.

So you've got that screenplay sitting around and it's the next best thing since sliced bread. Take a look at generic's Writing Advice.

Breathalyzers are dangerous. I'm not talking about the ones the cops carry, I mean the one you take with you to the bar. Update: The funny story has been removed. Apparently it wasn't as in the public domain as RAT thought. He does have a very interesting replacement though.

Get in on it while the action is hot and freshly oiled.

An occasional roundup of some of the best stuff I've read lately.

Is anything in the world funnier than explosive diarrhea? I think not. Read this dread story of Macaroni and Beef if you doubt me.

Man the phasers, the Vegans approach!

Paul is desperate for content. You can tell because the world's greatest meme hater is starting a meme. And because he said so.

Finally, somebody had the balls to say it! Nelson Mandela is a sophist and a fool. That's not to say he isn't a sweet fellow, just ignorant and more than happy to expound on things he is clueless about.

Finley gives the straight dope on The Parents Television Council. This activist group is responsible for almost 100% of all complaints sent to the FCC.

This is ungodly funny. And incredibly disgusting. Almost completely perverted. Definitely NC-17 or TV-MA or whatever the hell the rating system is now for no kids allowed.

Tiny excerpt:

Just by its nature, the probability of contracting food poisoning from fish is always higher than most other foods. This is why, based on personal experience, I recommend that no one ever engage in anal sex after your date ate a large fish dinner.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Found this at Natalie Dee's:

you know that thing where you figure out your drag name by combining your first pet's name with the name of the street you grew up on? when i do mine, i end up with WHITEY ROACHWAY, which is not that awesome. my husband would be McFLY CLAYTON. this, also, does not really have connotations of being seductive while hiding your penis. my little sister would be ROMEO REED, which is actually kinda awesome, but not drag queen-y. no matter how you play the game, you will never end up with a real drag queen-sounding name like LADY MISS MARILYN VON SNEAKYDICK.

I'm one of the few who never heard of this method of devising your drag name but I'm game.

Let's see...

My first real pet that I actually remember was a German Shepherd named Tasha. The first address I can remember is Hampton Drive. 33 Hampton Drive, Freehold, NJ 07228. Not sure about the zip, it just sort of popped out, but the rest is definitely the address where I lived as a young teen.

So my drag name is Tasha Hampton.

Feh, not much of a drag name. If we used my current stats I'd be Dakota Castle. Now that's a bit better.

So what's your drag name?

Here's a nifty little meme I picked up at De's place:

A. First, recommend to me:
1. A movie:
2. A book:
3. A musical artist, song, or album:

B. I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want.

C. Then, I want you to go to your blog, copy and paste this allowing your friends to ask you anything they want!

The movie suggestions are especially important as I'll put them under consideration for the next Drunken Movie Review. I'll give it a couple of days then answer all of the questions at once.

I've won the Calvin's Dad Award (aka 'The Calvie')!

Woo hoo! I do so totally rock!

I've figured a nifty extra use for my newsreader. As you all know, I'm not a very good linker. I don't know why really except possibly that I'm a greedy, lazy roustabout. Or maybe it's because I see something linkable, say to myself "Hey, self - that right there is eminently linkable" but then I fail to link it and then forget it.

Yeah, either one of those excuses will work.

Anyway, I've started to save 'must link' posts in my newsreader. When enough of them accumulate so I begin to get pangs of guilt, I'll link them all. True, you won't be getting the freshest content in the world in my link posts but you will get the best stuff I've read in the past howeverlong-it's-been-since-my-last-link-post.

Y'all ready? Okee dokee:

Start out with Simon and his much lauded effort The New Blog Showcase. This has been doing great as a site and has launched more that a few worthy young blogs. Simon's taking it on the road now as a Carnival and he's looking for hosts.

Next stop is Ambient Irony where Pixy explains the mindset of relativistic enminity. He doesn't use big words like that, I'm just showing off. Basically he lays out why certain elements of our society view the liberation of Iraq as a bad thing.

Jennifer reminds us what's really important to remember about the Holocaust. Ask 100 American high school students to tell you who Anne Frank is; then ask them to tell you which concentration camp she died at...and precious few will know the camp. But most of them will know her story.

generic cracks my shit up with Aunt Stubby's Cautionary Tales for Children Not Yet Defeated by Life. I can't even exerpt this. Go read - if you're twisted like me you'll bust a gut.

Riding in the caboose is Lovely Wife. Hmmm...Lovely Wife's caboose... Gimme a minute here...

[break]

As I was saying, our final stop is at Flaptrap where Lovely Wife tells y'all a story about our neighbors. We're lucky enough to have neighbors who very quickly became friends and boy are they a hoot.

I don't know if it's an insult or an honor to be compared to Bill Murray but take a gander at my Gay Factor! This is one hunka primo boobie lovin' man right here ladies.

(Click for biggie size)

Get your face analyzed.

(Hat tip to The Owner's Manual)

Okay, not that much of a time suck but it's fun once or twice. Visit the Realistic Internet Simulator.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Lovely Wife and I are like anti-nerd and nerd. She's a 16 and I'm a 74. On the positive side our kids should be at least passably good in sports while still being able to figure out mathematical proofs.

Blogdaughter Tiffani's got the skinny.

My interview is up at Jennifer's History & Stuff. Go and find out all about my cow porn and my skill with foreign languages.

I just took the 20 Questions to a Better Personality quiz (found at LeeAnn's place).

Wackiness: 50/100
Rationality: 24/100
Constructiveness: 58/100
Leadership: 72/100

You are a SECL--Sober Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a Politician.

It's food time! The Carnival of the Recipes is up Caltechgirl's World. Lovely Wife's pea soup is in this one.

Mmmmmm... pea soup...

I'm doubly thankful for the Carnival today. Looking at some of those yummy-food recipes has finally gotten my mind off of that pancake sandwich I had for breakfast.

Egads this weekend went fast. It must me Monday though since I'm at work and there are lots of grumpy people all around.

What to do to dispel that fine case of the Mondays? Get a cup of coffee and look over the Bestofme Symphony. It beats the hell out of working and today's a holiday so you don't even have to feel guilty about it.

Ask VW. She's this week's host for the Carnival of the Recipes.

And you can add the briquettes. I'll be interviewed by Jen, Queen of History and Stuff, and the questions get supplied by y'all. And the one or two readers she has that don't read this blog, I guess. And maybe a few folks who just follow the interviews. And the occasional flightless bird.

Anyway, send your questions to her by noon central next Thursday (1/20/05). She'll put them all together and give them to me in anonymous fashion. Not that she'll be anonymous. I mean, when somebody comes up and says "Yo! Here's the interview questions" and hands you the interview questions that's not really anonymous at all. I mean she collects them and gives them to me without telling who asked what question. So ask away in the knowledge that you will be free from my diabolic retribution.

I will of course naturally assume that boob related questions come from Harvey.

Carnival of the Vanities - Mucho reading material. Check out the blog too.

[This area reserved for space aliens.]

Google photo montage - Dirty words work too! And check out the blog - very funny.

100th review celebration giveaway - From one of my newest constant reads. If you sign up to win the prize without reading some of the reviews (which are hillarious) then you are a skeezer.

Happy Birthday Girl Child - Happy Daddy has a very sweet post remembering the event.

Random Penseur has another installment of his Behind the Curtain series where he shines the spotlight on history's supporting players. Claudius Smith was a swashbuckling cowboy, jailbreaker, and "a bold, handsome man, around whom secretly clustered all those unprincipled and daring men". He was also a murderer and villain, an American who terrorized New York and New Jersey in support of the Crown of England.

Go read. It's a good 'un.

Paul lost a big-ass post. Don't you just hate it when that happens? I don't. That is, I would hate it if it happened but I learned long ago to protect my sanity and will to live by typing my posts in Notepad. There's an even better way now!

Rob found this nifty little utility called SharpMT. Offline post creation integrated with your Moveable Type blog! Holy sweetness, Batman!

It's got spellcheck, auto book lookup, some music thing I haven't figured out yet, formatting, URL and formatting doohickeys, multiple categories, extended entry and excerpt support, all those doohickeys at the bottom of the MT entry screen that you never use but just might want to check out some day ... hot damn!

I wrote this post in it, by the way.

Update: And I updated it in SharpMT too! Damn, I love toys. Especially useful ones!

Update: Okay, editing seems to just make a new post so don't do that.

Yay! Like a belated Christmas gift the sixth installment of The Great Dismal has arrived.

Oh, and Mr.Fielek? If I have to wait the better part of a quarter year for part VII after the way you ended VI, I will go bat-shit nutso. No pressure now but I thought you should know about the possible ramifications.

Annette of More Than Words is moving to Atlanta. This shows that she has class and taste and some not insignificantly challenging mental issues. I joke - her writing shows the class and taste. The move to Atlanta only illustrates the mental thing.

Anywho, she's doing a photo scavenger hunt and needs items for the list. Pop on over and give her a few ideas of what she should shoot.

I should specify that "shoot" means with a camera. It won't default to gun use until she's been a Southerner for at least 12 months.

Dusty has it all figured out.

At the four corners of most intersections there are usually light posts or some other weapon mounting system.

It's generic enough to work for just about any big city, too!

You won't find it at Protomonkey. You will find a twisted little Christmas story by Michele though, accompanied by a Christmas thriller by yours truly.

And once your holiday jones has been sated you can take a well deserved breather with shank's first contribution. Don't breath too deeply though - his protaganist is about as sympathetic as mine.

Hmmm...that's a spooky Christmas story two years in a row for me. Does that make it a trend or a tradition?

I've got a new blogson and blogdaughter. Go say hello to the dynamic duo at Loggerheads. Or @Loggerheads? Whatever, just go say hi.

Actually, I don't know if I get to claim paternity. They were both established bloggers before. I just helped them get a modicum of anonymity for their newest venture. Harvey, can i get a ruling?

I don't say that very often. In fact I don't think I've ever said it, so you know I'm not crying wolf.

Almost three years ago we almost lost little Burger. It was a fantastic collision of poor diagnosis, entrenched medical establishment and insurance company hell. Lovely Wife has written up the whole story.

When you're done over there you might want to read about the other medical calamity we went through. I wrote about that one last year.

Trey's comments are busted so I, the proverbial swinging monkey of commenters, shall fling the feces of my verbosity from afar.

Congratulations!
Trey finished with the scholastic requirements for his Masters of Business Administration. You may now call him a "suit" and tremble before him. Seriously though Trey, a big virtual high five from Snoozeland.

My deepest sympathies
Please pass my regards and condolences to The Good Doctor.

How fitting
I can't think of a more fitting name for a town that volunteers to subsidize inflated prices than "Dorking". In fact, wouldn't it be just nifty if this practice itself became known as "dorking"?

Jen has almost reached the magical 100,000 visitor mark. In tru diabolical fashion she is offering a bribe to the blogger who refers the magic visitor. In similar fashion (if you can't copy Jen, who can you copy?) I'll do the same. If you're the 100,000th visitor and you get there from my site I'll win the bear and you'll win your choice of either 5 Snooze Points or 1 month of free advertising at Zero Intelligence*.

So what are you waiting for? Get on over there! Don't you understand that I could win a freakin' bear? I already got an award today; winning that bear would make this a banner day.

* Yes, I realize I just established a market value of $2 for a Snooze Point. Does this qualify as an IPO?

The 2004 Weblog Awards have closed. My site didn't win and none of the sites I endorsed won. I think you all can see what this means.

If you want to win in the 2005 Weblog Awards you damned well better not have me plugging your site. I will begin taking bribes to that effect. Just click the PayPal button in the sidebar and put the following in the memo section when you make payment: "2005 Weblog Awards bribe - For the love of God please don't plug my site."

Just like NPR, I offer various levels of contribution:

$5 - Snooze Button Dreams will not actively campaign for your site.
$10 - Snooze Button Dreams will not mention that we are voting for your site.
$25 - Snooze Button Dreams will not mention your site at all for the duration of the voting.
$50 - Snooze Button Dreams will eradicate any mention of your site, remove all links and trackbacks except for an active spin campaign where we will campaign against your site. We're pretty sure this will guarantee a victory for you.

The newest person in mine is Tiffany! Blown Fuse has been subborned moved into Munuviana.

And so we continue in our quest to take over the world, one blog at a time.

And he's a Munu now!

My fourth child turned a year old today. Of course the babe was adopted months ago but I'm still mighty happy to see the little bugger his the first anniversary mark.

Go visit adopting daddy Gary Cruse and see what the Bestofme Symphony looks like on its first birthday.

Ryan's post is hillarious but Joshua's comment on it takes humor down up to new levels.

Nope, I'm not back. This post brought to you by the wonder that is Trickle.

Tis true! Tin-foil hats are passe. They're so...so...so 1998. The modernly festooned brigade member wears this delightful accessory, cunningly crafted from layers of electrostatic insulating polymer shoved into a WWI Snoopy pilot's hat:

What better statement could there be to signify "I've got my shit together" than to have this ingenious contraption strapped to one's noggin? All of the mind protecting power of thin sheets of metal with none of the nasty crinkly noises. The future is now.

No longer shall they be known as the tin-foil hat brigade. Nay I say! From this point forward they shall be called the Velostat Visionaries!

That site does give us one gem of useful information. Specifically, never ever allow your children to attend Temple University. The Grand High Poobah of the Velostat Visionaries is a tenured professor there.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

The turkey's gone and the fat man in red isn't here yet. That means it's time for Blogosphere Awards!

The king daddy of 'em all is the 2004 Weblog Awards, organized by Kevin at Wizbang. Nominations are complete and voting starts later today. I shall annoy y'all for votes later if I make the category cut.

New for this year are The Edublog Awards, focusing on weblogs of an educational bent.

Last but not least are the 2004 Asian Blog Awards. This year they're hosted by our very own Simon.

It's like a disease - we just can't stop voting.

She must be, seeing as she's approaching the 100,000 visitor mark. Then again, that's according to Sitemeter which is notoriously bad at accurately counting visitors. My own unscientific studies show that it gets the numbers right about 40% of the time, making my estimate of Jen's actual visits somewhere near the quarter million mark.

A quarter million, y'all!

Wouldn't it be great to be the 250,000th visitor to Jen's site? You could be the unofficial quarter millionth visitor, as verified by the Sitemeter ticking off 100,000 in it's anemic style. Just think of the glory. The honor. Those little chocolate candies with the caramel in the middle. What are those called again? Oh, yeah - Rolos! I love Rolos. Not as much as Snickers of course, and they're a good distance behind Reese's Peanut Butter Cups but still - Rolos are pretty good.

Where was I? Track back here...Reese's...Snickers...boobs (hey, I don't write down everything I think of)...Rolos...anemia...oh, yeah - Jen's site. She's on pace to get her SiteMeterated official 100,000th visitor (actually around the 250,00th visitor) in a couple weeks but if everybody who reads this post goes to visit her she'll get there in an hour or two. Hehe. Just kidding. More like three hours.

So, to get you over there (those of you who aren't the mindless automatons who blindly obey my every command, damn I love those guys) I present:

Cool Stuff Jen Has Posted Recently*

Been a secret agent.
Interviewed shitloads of notable bloggers including me.
Posted a picture of herself without a stitch of clothing showing.
Identified the progressive stages of insanity.
Sent hope and joy throughout the world.
Out-googled J-Lo's ass.

And that's just the recent stuff. Go see for yourself. Hey, almost 100,000 to somewhere around 250,000 visitors can't all be wrong!

* Okay, the interviews aren't recent. So sue me.

Plyorns has posted the missing item in the Atlanta driver's mandatory equipment list. Ooh, I gotta get me some.

Anna explains her lengthy absense and prepares us for another one.

Anna, you've got my best wishes and hopes pulling for you. I hope you'll be back when things straighten out a bit. We just don't have enough California blondes with yards of golden tresses in the Blogosphere.

All seriousness aside...no, wait a sec...all joking aside, you'll be missed (again) and I'll be eagerly awaiting your return. You make me laugh and that makes the world a little bit brighter.

The holiday gluttony starts early in the blogosphere. Sate yourself with some crunchy appetizers at the 114th Carnival of the Vanities then pig out on the turkeys at the 73rd Bonfire.

What? No football?

But Flibbertigibbet does. Rather, he needs people to take his survey. It's for one of his school projects. He's going to school for a business degree. If he does well here he will very quickly become one of those mover/shaker type business moguls, supporting and growing our economy by his very presence. So go take the poll. Do it for Flibby. Do it for the USA. Do it because it's just a couple questions and you've got nothing better to do anyway.

Getting a little ahead of ourselves, aren't we? The nominations for the 2004 Weblog Awards are open. Go and let Kevin and crew know what your favorite blogs are.

Incidentally, in case you were wondering, Snooze Button Dreams would be in the Best of the Top 500-1000 Blogs class for the Ecosystem ranking categories. You were wondering, weren't you?

Snoozebob got the juice!

(Yanked off the Cheesemistress's quivering thighs.)

What's cookin good lookin? Head over to Boudicca's Voice to find out. She's hosting the 14th Carnival of Recipes.

Don't mind me. I'm just going to sit here and salivate for a while.

Mmmmm...

Lovely Wife sent me this very cool link: The World Sunlight Map

No more excuses for calling people at 3 in the morning and we can finally tell when Pixy is supposed to be awake without using a calculator or logarithms.

The inestimable Anna has resurfaced, just as overloaded with estrogen and injected with testosterone as ever.

(Credit to Nick for the redwings thing. I never come up with stuff that clever.)

Rob is closing in on his 1000th comment, a milestone in the life of any blog. My money says that he'll get there today.

Go and proove me right! (There's a prize in it for one of you.)

UPDATE: Rob tripped his meter this morning. Yay! Now go harrass the Wetwired crew. They're closing in on 2,000 comments and Pylorns has promised to dance naked in front of the Savoy when they get there.

Ilyka has an absolutely fantastic treatise on what it's like being in the middle between the big political parties. That's the Republicans and Democrats, for those of you playing along at home.

As good as that post is I must guiltily admit that the biggest kick I got out of it was her handling of a jackass commenter.

SHORT'NIN! SHORT'NIN! SHORT'NIN!

Go read, you'll thank me when you're done. Seriously - I expect all of you to come back here and thank me. I'll be quite distraught if you don't.

Bill, who writes about anal intrusion in the funniest manner I've ever experienced, lost his job too. Go and give him some warm fuzzies, would you? He's a great guy and forcible unemployment really blows.

I'm hunting webpages.

(Tip credit to Dopple-G)

Lovely Wife had a mishap t'other day and ended up with the second nastiest bruise I've ever seen in my life. And I was in medicine for 8 years so I've seen a few.

But damn are her legs still sexiful!

See? When I fail to deliver, Lovely Wife goes postal. I mean, she posts a bunch.

We went to Stone Mountain today and there was genuine hilarity as we left.

Burger's pig bit me in the ass.

Pictures of a real pig.

They're so cute when they're sleeping.

Pixy Misa, beloved founder of Munuviana, has grown a year older today. Okay, so technically he just grew a day older today, he grew a year older over the course of the past year. And if you think about it, so did all of the rest of us. It's just that Pixy has completed the task on the calendar anniversary of his birth so that makes it a special day for him and for all of the rest of us who have done the exact same thing but not on the calendar anniversary of our births - tough beans for us.

Happy Birthday, Pixy!

(In addition to it being his birthday it's also a big day in his computer life as he's about to break the world's record for most Windows re-installs in a single week.)

Jaws in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

Zlad is why VH-1 is wrong about the 80's.

(Hat tip to Dopple-G)

They're everywhere! Jen turned 30, Elizabeth's CD got a year older, Harvey is 38. Where will it end? Hopefully nowhere and not for a long time. Happy Birthday, y'all.

Harvey is the only one who asked for presents so here goes. Harvey, you are invited to take The Silicon Challenge. I only got 16 out of 20. I would have done better but I kept getting distracted by something in my eye.

Just very busy. Odd how life got busier when I lost my job. Feh.

Anyway, here are some things that are much better than waiting for a post here:

Still waiting on a Gmail account? Try Omnilect instead. 2 GB of storage there and you don't need somebody to invite you. (Hat tip to Lovely Wife)

Read the second parts of The Great Dismal short story at Quibbles & Bits. The first parts are here.

I've never been a huge baseball fan but I think I am now since I read this post from Corporate Mommy.

He's having a baby! Go say "Hi" to the newest member of Clancy's family.

Happy anniversary to Tiffany and Scott!

Cats have been losing out bigtime to little dogs as the ultimate shopper's accessory. Obviously cats just aren't fashionable enough to be seen browsing designer racks with and I blame two things for this:

1. This carefully constructed argument on why puppies are better than alcoholic kitties

2. Those crazy mixed up felines at Cat Town whose wardrobe has been provided by Catprin.

No wonder there are so many owners out there with cats who hate them.

But sometimes being unstylish is really a blessing in disguise. Cats don't have to suffer the ignominy of being paraded around by the likes of Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Can you see the dead looks in those little dogs' eyes - a part of them has lost the will to live. In this picture, you can see one of them trying their best to escape from the clutches of Nicole Richie.

A media storm was caused recently when Paris Hilton misplaced Tinkerbelle who she said was like a daughter to her. That would make a Great Dane her father, which is no surprise because I've heard that the making of Tinkerbelle is an Easter Egg on the "One Night in Paris" DVD.

Animal activists need to get cracking and bust out all of these little dogs who have been condemned to a life of inane conversation and embarrassing press appearances.

Spirit Fingers

Ah, finally, an unguarded place where a fellow can stretch out and relax.

Kang A Roo

Wow, did you ever get someone tryin' to sell ya somethin' whose presence gave ya one of the most enjoyable days you could imagine? I jes' had that happen. I would love to tell ya'll all about it, but why would I be wastin' such a good story on Jim's blog. 'Sides, there ia a graphic I wanted to display as well, and it seems that spongesnoozebob's privileges do not include uploading pics to Jim's server*. You'll have to go to this place.

*Ain't that strange, 'cause it is also my server, or, truth be known, Pixy's server.

I am blowing steam out of every ear I have, being nine of them, as I lost No. 10 in that scrap with Mike Tyson before my tentacles were fully developed and I had appropriated ray gun technology from Emperor Ming. Why am I upset, if such word is sufficient to describe the ire I feel from having a long diatribe about having had some man named Phil F. Jackson comment upon my blog: Beyond the Black Hole, "Great blog!", disappear without publication after I had worked so diligently to compose such? In this post's previous incarnation, I had painstakenly mentioned that I thought such was a highly suspicious activity and likely done with the intent to cause such Phil F. Jackson's name fall to the bottom of my zap list. If so, said individual is definitely in error, as are any who believe that I will show them favoritism if they compliment me or otherwise show me favor. Except for Gir, of course. Gir is quickly becoming my loyal assistant. Please insure that you do not allow this secret to slip, like was done with regard to the biological agent, cheese and its lethal effect on my health, but also, unbeknownst to many, I do not keep a zap list. My solitary rule in deciding who to zap and who not to zap on any occasion is solely dependent upon who is visible in the cross hairs as I engage the power on whatever ray gun I am firing. Now, if this post disappears without being published as that last one did, I may revise my rule and just rampantly zap everyone in attendance. No ducking, and no cheese allowed.

I love this blog so much! I've always wanted to be a guest poster but never had the chance before. I knew about the last SnoozeBob opportunity but didn't even think of making my own post. Hindsight, you know?

Well, I don't have anything of my own that's worthy to post but I do have a short list of excellent posts by other noted bloggers for you to read.

Pray for me. Lovely Wife has PMS.

Simon says blog! That's one of the best newbie blogging guidelines you'll run across.

Simon also says that he's sick of the "Simon says" thing.

Rachel Ann discovers advertising deceptions.

Ryan is fed up and he's not going to take it any more! He's issued a call to arms. Sort of.

Bunsen is back? Be still my beating heart - you know he likes to tease.

See ya later!
Jim

Little-known fact: when I (SnoozeTiffany) was a kid, I thought glasses were cool and prayed every night that I could wear them one day.

Ta da! Fifteen years later, I sit here with two left contact lenses in my eyes because I ripped my right one...twice. And my two eyes are different precriptions. Nice!

I'm not blind to the extent that I qualify for a handicap placard to hang from my rear-view mirror, but my vision is blurry enough that I can't read a digital clock with 1 1/2" red numbers from two or three feet away. I have to squint to read the clock on my cell phone when I take my lenses out.

My glasses are so damned thick that I pay the extra bucks to have them made from extra-light material, and still have that whole bug-face thing going on when I wear them: you know, the part of my face behind my glasses appears much much smaller than the rest of my face because of all that lens goodness. Cartoon, anyone?

The one good thing I can say about having shitty vision is that I can make excuses to beg off things:

"Oh, honey, I can't see to drive at night--can you take me?" (Useful when out of gas and too ashamed to admit it.)

"Fuck! I missed my exit! Why didn't you tell me when to turn--you know I can't see the signs!" (Useful for when you don't know where the hell you're going but like to pretend otherwise.)

"Damnit! I tore a lens, I can't go to work!!!! *snicker*" (Useful when feeling "SnoozeBob"ish.)

And my favorite: I can use the "Honey, I have a headache," excuse and have it work quite well when I'm wearing my glasses--oh, how they strain me. The pain! The fuzziness! *snicker*

Natural selection may eventualy do away with us squinters, but while I'm still here, can you go get me a soda from that store on the corner?...I think it's a store, I can't really tell. I can't see well enough to read the can. (And...I, sort of haven't been paid yet.)

A Pome

As we travel through our lives,
We all encounter certain woes;
For happiness is fleeting,
And contentment comes and goes,
And good fortune never lingers -
The tide ebbs after it flows.
But I never dreamed I'd find the dog
That ate my mother's toes.

The day was brisk, the sky was grey,
The trees were filled with crows;
I'd just filled up my fishpond
With the neighbour's garden hose.
I fumbled for a handkerchief
With which to blow my nose -
And then looked up, and saw the dog
That ate my mother's toes.

I looked at him; he looked at me;
He was chewing on a rose.
His eyes were hard, his mouth was set -
Determined, I suppose.
I'd have gone and fetched my shotgun -
But I don't got me one of those.
So I stood my ground and faced the fiend
That ate my mother's toes.

We glared into each other's eyes
The bitterest of foes:
The fellow who just lives his life,
The dog that feeds on does.
And then he got run over -
One reaps just what one sows -
And lay there dying, the vile beast
That ate my mother's toes.

My poetry may sometimes rhyme,
But can't compete with Poe's.
The meter changes over time;
The rhyming comes and goes.
My one last act I will remark,
For none here would oppose:
I kicked him in the ribs and he
Coughed up my mother's toes.

The first ever Carnival of the Recipes is up at She Who Will Be Obeyed. All I can say is "Yummy".

Many congratulations to Simon and Mrs.M on the birth of their son. Isn't he a cutie?

Dotfart.

I don't think there's anything else to say about it, really.

(Thanks for the link, Helen!)

Jeff Quinton is looking to map out bloggers who've served in the US Armed Forces. That's any of the big five plus reserves, guards, etc. Montana militias need not apply. See his post for details.

For myself, I was US Navy Reserve from 1987 to 1995. About a quarter of it was in activated status (Desert Shield/Storm) and I was an Operating Room Technician, Hospital Corpsman attached to a mobile Fleet Hospital unit (like M*A*S*H but with hotter nurses).

POINTS: Name the group that made the lyric above a pop hit for 2 points. Name the lead singer of the group for a bonus point. No searching, y'all!

Get those supplies before they run out!

Set 'em up, knock 'em down. That's what Lovely Wife and Trey did with a couple of posts yesterday.

Start with Lovely Wife's post about a conversation with an intolerant neighbor and then read Trey's contribution. Lovely Wife's post is funny and serious, Trey's bumps it up to seriously funny.

And Trey? It was a "Mrs." Nipple Clamps. The folks at our table were stunnable but they're of the "live and let live and/or enjoy manlove" variety.

Ilyka looks at the newsies and finds them wanting.

Lovely Wife has her own blog. Oh, yeah.

Go take a look at Flaptrap.